So, I've never written a blog before, never felt like I had much to say. I guess I still don't have much to say, but I have always written in journals and things like that to help me through tough situations. So I think I will use this blog to document my healing progress.

It has been exactly 8 months, 2 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours and 51 minutes since my best friend Nathanial Cavalenes passed away in his sleep. In all that time, I figured I should be okay by now. But I'm not. Far from it. In my life, I've lost so many people that I was close to, and even though their deaths saddened me, none of them affected me like this. None of them left a gaping hole in me or made it hard to breathe. I find that with Nate no longer here, it's a fight to attempt to be happy. I feel like a huge part of me was ripped away. Folklore claims that when a soul descends to earth, it splits in two, each half inhabiting a separate body, and they spend their entire lives looking for the other half. I always thought this was crazy, that there was no way this could be true, it just sounds nuts. And often people think of soul mates as lovers, destined to meet and marry and have babies and things like that. I don't. I don't know of the best way to explain it, but I think it's more like what (and forgive me for the Twilight reference) Jacob says to Bella about imprinting. "It's not like love at first sight really. It's more like... gravity moves... suddenly. It's not the earth holding you here anymore.. she does. You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, a lover, or a friend." And honestly, that's how mine and Nate's relationship was. We were there to be whatever the other needed, no matter what that was. I never had to explain anything to him, he just knew. He knew things about me that I've never told any living person. He just knew. I don't know how to explain it, but because of him, I think folklore may just be right. Maybe he was my other half, my soul mate. Even though we weren't romantically involved, I loved him, and he loved me. If he would've asked me for the moon, I would've sold everything I own to get a rocket ship to go get it for him. He was everything to me. Without him, I'm feel like I'm only half-alive. I'm missing a huge part of my life, a huge part of myself, and it's really hard to explain. Sometimes it still hurts to breathe. I can't let him go. I need him too much. I'm not strong enough to live this life without him. I think the only reason I've made it this long is because he's still here with me. I don't think he's left me yet. But for him to truly find peace I know he will have to leave, and what happens when he does? What will happen to me? I'm scared. I don't wanna know what it's like to live my life, completely devoid of the only person who has ever known everything about me and still loved me, unconditionally. I just miss him. Terribly. My heart breaks every time someone mentions his name, or I hear his truck. I keep (stupidly) hoping that he's just going to show up, with that big goofy grin of his and tell me it was just a joke. I'd cry and hit him and tell him it wasn't funny, but I couldn't even be mad at him, because it would mean that he was here. I just wish he was here.