I have been so angry lately, and I know it's part of the process.
Mad like I got once just a few months after my Mom died. It was December I think, and my freinds were worried about me and wanted to get me out of the house. I hadn't been out much-which for me is a bit odd, I am a very social creature. Much like my mother!!
My friend dragged me out to dinner with one of her friends, a young lady I hadn't met before. She seemed so nice, but I was a bit quiet because I didn't want to get dragged into the inevitable conversation too early into having met this young lady.
Then, of course, my mother's VERY recent death came up. I didn't know the young lady so I didn't really feel all that comfortable talking about it with her. I still got weepy fairly easily at that point and didn't want to start crying at the table in a restaraunt. That would be embarassing. Funny thing is, she said something that made me so mad that I didn't cry. I pretty much just clammed up for the rest of the meal.
My good friend brought up the fact that I had been gone for several months because I had been taking care of my mother who had cancer. When the young lady started questioning me about my mother I told her she had passed a few months previously. The young lady said to me "Ohmygosh, I am soooo sorry! I know how you feel! My dog just died."
I wanted to smack her. I know people form very special bonds with their dogs, as I own a dog. As matter of fact, I have my mother's 'designer' dog whom I have grown extremely attached too.
But HOW does the death of her dog relate in any way to me losing the woman who brought me into this world? I wasn't rude, and didn't say much after that-because like Mom said "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all".
These days I feel angry like that all the time. I resent people for telling me I need therapy. The people who say this to me also tell me I need anti-depressants. I don't want to not feel anything. I have taken anti-depressants and I felt like a zombie. I hated it. All I wanted to do was sleep. I sucked at work, my friends couldn't even get me to come out of my room half of the time! I would rather feel this and go through this process than be numb and not feel anything.
I think my biggest anger? I'm FURIOUS at my mother's Dr.'s. I know Dr.'s aren't gods. I know they can't fix everything. But with her history, how could they have missed this? She stopped eating, she lost 3o lbs in a month and her skin looked almost yellow. It was so obvious to me that there was something wrong and I don't understand why they kept looking at her and 5 minutes later sending her home.
I'm also angry that I can't talk to her. I'm having a tough time without her. I am sensitive and feel so much, like my mother. Complete opposite of my Father and Brother, who give me a really hard time for being sensitive. I cannot remember a time in my life that I wasn't sensitive. My mother NEVER told me to 'grow a thicker skin'. Or 'let it roll off of your back'. She taught me that it was important to feel the things I felt-because it was part of living.
So, you know how I feel?

MAD AS HECK.

that's how I feel.