Hi, My name is Karen...

I come here with a very heavy heart, Heavy for the life our 16 yr old son never got to finish, Heavy for my family, heavy for I am destroyed , and heavy knowing that this site is full of others out there feeling such similar pain.

I find it so hard to connect with others - in - lets say real world "that wonderful place I use to know"
When life was wonderful with light hearted fun & full of our children's smiles.

I find it so difficult to find the strength to put on that face of " I'm Okay" that family, friends, and the world in general want to see. They want - They need - to know we are okay! But, I am not okay!
I struggle to breathe, I struggle to sleep, I struggle to wake, I struggle to function, I struggle with that greeting question- hi, how are you? I have tried numerous answers - as not to lie- yet, not to burden them with what they do not want to hear. Why drag them into what must be Hell! I have finally figured it out- I respond with- Hi how are you? & never answer their question.

I came here feeling broken - looking for someone who understands - I have lost my son, my heart, my faith, and my future. And yet people say, it was meant to be- or he is in a better place, or have you found peace - or have you found closure yet. "hello- closure- on what my son? You want me to move on & forget my son? He was not a pet, and can not be replaced !!!!

Sorry- I am tired of masking my feelings- I am angry! I am not trying to bring anyone down- I just want / need to know - Is there anyone else that is tired of pretending it is all okay & just want to scream & cry & hit things? And lets face- what I really want... is to be lying beside my Brad. better yet- I wish none of it happened- or if it did- It were me alone! I am so tired of pretending it is okay.

Of course I will push on & put on my fake face, the face I force to smile that at its best looks like I must be constipated (okay can you relate - did I make you smile there) I do it for the others I love that are counting on me- But, Inside- Inside- I am destroyed - I am angry - I hurt so very very very much I can't breathe! And I just need to get it out - without felling someone will judge me - or put me in a loony bin, or watch me like a hawk thinking I will put myself beside my son.

Thanks for listening!