It's still so hard to believe

That my Mom has been gone for 1 year, and 23 days. I never imagined that I would lose my Mom at such a young age..well even though I'm 23, I consider that young because I don't feel my age at all! I feel like a little girl without my Mom. Of course I've always felt young since I didn't have much of a childhood and my innocence was taken away from me, but since she has been gone, it has gotten worse! During the day, I seem to do ok, since I'm around Step-Dad's family, but during the night, when everyone is asleep, I'm the complete opposite. I have insomnia, anxiety, and a lot of crying spells. I have many night when I question if my Mom really knows that I loved her, and if she forgives me for our differences..I have talked to a Medium and it seems that he was talking to the right 'Lisa Williams' and she told me that she did know that I loved her and of course forgives me, she also told me to quit beating myself up over it, but even though it seems like it's her, I don't know. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but self-forgiveness is definitely something that is so hard for me, especially since I have more knowledge about our relationship and realized I was so hard on her at times. 

I have a hard time enjoying anything that I used to love when she was around, whether that be the music I listened to, or shows I watched..it's like everything has to be new with me now because it still hurts to bad. It makes me think about her and how things were and what it's not now. If I watched anything with her, or listened to music in the car with her, I just can't do that now! It's even gotten to the point where I don't like going anywhere that she went to with me...it has become a huge problem because I don't go see my grandmother often anymore since Mom used to go there all the time. My grandmother doesn't understand and takes it to heart but it's not her at all..I don't know, people tell me all the time, that things will get better but when? I want to be able to enjoy things, especially the things that I used to enjoy but can't seem to right now. Oh what I would do if I could have five minutes back with her!!:/

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Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on March 6, 2013 at 4:51pm

I think it took me a couple of months to get out of the denial stage and realize that she isn't coming back. I know she would want me to be happy because she was ready to go, she lived in pain for four years and she was tired of it, but 'moving on' or finding a new normal is so much more easier said than done. It's especially hard when you're the only child and don't have many family members around that are supportive. My feelings are like a rollercoaster that is never ending. I'm 23 but I haven't had to deal with death much, except for my grandfather when I was ten, so I'm kind of new to all of this!:/ 

Comment by Lucy Russo on March 6, 2013 at 8:28am
My mom has been gone a month and I understand how you feel. I can't watch shows she loved or do the activities she liked because its too hard. I think when you're ready you will. A month isn't very long - it's barely enough time to get your head around it. I am an only child so I understand feeling alone. Just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Let go of your regrets I am sure she knew you loved her.
Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on March 2, 2013 at 9:44pm

Thanks, it's just hard to believe sometimes. I guess because I'm not a mother to another human. I have my little Cairn Terrier but that's it!

Comment by Melisa C on February 21, 2013 at 5:13am

I think your mother knows that you love her. I think she already knew before she passed. The bond mother/daughter is very strong and even if you had your differences, that didn't matter, because you loved each other. I would also give anything for 5 minutes with my mom!

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