My mom passed away December 3, 2010 after fighting cancer for 2 years. When she was diagnosed the cancer was already stage 4. Not knowing what that really meant I looked it up and knew she didn't have much time.Although I knew that I was still in denial up until the day she died.She lived in Ohio and i live in Fl. Looking back now I can see all the signs I should have been picking up on about her illness because she wasn't real honest about how bad it really was either. I know the first 6 months after her death I was numb, now that we are coming up on a year and of course the hoidays, I can't let this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I have for not being there while she was on her death bed. I should have been there soo much sooner than I was. My family says, she didn't want me to see her that way. Well what is worse, that or seeing her in the casket?? I also have a 10 year old son she adored. I can see for his sake but not mine. So I never got to say goodbye to her while she was still alive. And tell her how much I love her. I talk to her all the time now, but I still get nothing. Am I pushing too hard? Is she mad at me? Sleeping is the worst for me right now, my wheels are constantly turning with these questions. Also she is burried in Ohio so it's not like I can go and put flowers on her grave and talk to her there. I'm thinking I should put a little flower garden as a memorial to her in my back yard in Fl. It certainly can't make things any worse. When I was looking at this sight I was reading some of the other posts about others that have a similar story as mine so now I really don't feel a lone I just want someone to help me or explain to me how to get through this time in my life. I am married with a 10 year old and I am hiding it sooo good when it comes to them, they have no idea that I am still struggling with this. I work at night so it's easy for me to cry all day while there gone and then I can wind myself back up when it's time for them to come home. My other family members, as well as my close friends, keep telling me that I shouldn't feel guilty about it but to me that's like telling someone to stop loving there child. You can't just turn it off. If someone has an opinion, I'm all ears.

Angie