Hi! I'm new to blogging.  I usually write in my journal, which helps me sort out my feelings.  But since I found this wonderful site, I decided this wasn't a bad idea.

I would like to say I'm glad to be here, but I'm not.  I guess none of us are, but we need each other to get through the bad times.

I'm her because I lost my dear mother a year and a half ago from Ovarian Cancer and I am still coming to terms with her death.  Part of the reason why is because her death was so quick.  One day she was alive and kicking and five months later she was gone.  One day she started throwing up non-stop and refused to seek medical attention (because she was a nurse) until she got dehydrated.  After numerous tests, an MRI showed a tumor the size of a golf ball.  Because her heath was not good to begin with (diabetes and kidney issues), surgery was ruled out and her Doctor decided to try chemo.  On her third round of chemo she developed a urinary tract infection (I was told from the cathater) and the infection took over her entire body.  The last time I spoke with her was the last week in March.  I kissed her goodnight and told her I would see her in the morning.  That night she turned blue and was rushed down to the ICU.  She never regained consciousness and one week later her body shut down.  It was so fast and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her or tell her how much I loved her!  The morning of the day of her death, I said goodbye and left the hospital because it was too painful for me to watch my mother die.  To this day, I don't know whether or not that was the right decision, but my reasoning at that time was that she was already gone {because the machines were doing all of the work) and I didn't want to see her go.  It turned out that no one was there when she passed away, because if you know ICU's, she passed when the ICU was closed for lunch. 

She was buried up north as it was her wish to be buried with her parents.  Since I live in the south, I don't get to visit her alot.  My father is now seriously dating and my brother seems to be doing better than I am.  I have had such a rough time dealing with her death.  I see a counselor and take anti depressants, which seem to help, but I don't know if its enough.  I guess I need time.  After a year and a half, I thought I would be doing better, but I'm not.