OMG....I just can't sleep, because it came on so strong...the realization that I'll never feel him touching me again!  It's been 34 days since he was called home.  Never again will I be able to lie beside him with my head on his shoulder.  Never again will he hold me when I cry.  Never again, will his hands hold to mine.  His lips will never touch mine again.  And he will never be able to make love to me again.  A simple kiss, a soft caress, his whisper of I love you late in the night when he always thought I was asleep.  I heard so many of them. 

His mischievous smile when he called me "Pookie".  His Precious, his Lady. 

God knows, I want him back!!!  I WANT HIM BACK!!!!  This anguish holds my heart as it shatters, one tiny piece falling into oblivion at a time.

I know he is better off where he is now -- enveloped in an indescribable joy, peace, and love.  I want him to be happy and free of worry and pain.  But I still want him back!  He was my life.  He was my everything!!!!  I just want to die inside without him.  I feel like I'm dying inside. 

I was telling a friend a little of this and I felt so betrayed when he told me to find a grief forum online.  I know he cares and doesn't know what to say when I get upset.  He just wants to help.  But it was like he was saying don't bother me, go talk to people online who will listen to you.  That hurt.  I was so upset with him, I didn't answer him back and didn't talk to him for a few days.  My background, my track record with forums rather stinks.  But I have no where else to go.  No where. 

God, I just feel like I'm dying inside.  A part of me just wants to die.  I miss him so very much.  But I won't leave my daughters.  I won't.  So, I just have to live this way, feeling like I'm dying inside at his absence.  Feeling that I'm dying inside because the other half of my soul was ripped away. 

All things happen for a reason.  I believe that with all my heart.  His work here was done.  Mine continued.  And I don't feel like this pain and agony and lonliness will ever, ever, ever end.  I miss him so!!  Two hearts, one soul....one heart died, leaving only half a soul. 

I want him back.

Sorrow incarnate,

Copper