I'm just a little girl who wants her parent's love back again... I want my Dad to be here to pick me over drugs and drinking... that's all I've ever wanted was to feel like I was worth it.  Mom chose me... I was her world... but the problem was that she still picked drinking over me.  I cried and cried and basically begged, and all she said was "it will always be my downfall..." And she continued drinking.  She chose me, but only to an extent.  The other person that I've loved deeply and so fully has lied to me and picked nasty, white trash people and drugs over me, too.  I'm not worthy enough... I don't know why?? Why?? I can't get closure now... I can't communicate how I feel to my parents and try and get an answer... I can't do that.  And the person that I fell in love with won't be honest me with me... because he's still an addict... he's still messing up... I know he is because I can feel it in my heart, in my being.... I just know.  I want to be someone's all... and I guess that Matt has proven to me that he respects me and wants me to feel like I'm number one... and he does make me feel that way, but I still feel empty. Why?? Maybe it's because my nature is to want what I can't have... I can't have my parents here and I can't have that talk, those answers from them... I just can't.  And I can't be with the one I fell so deeply in love with because he was everything that I feared... he is everything that I was trying to get away from.  I can't stand the fact that my Dad's life is mostly remembered as him being a drug addict and alcoholic... I can't stand that's what killed him, made him suffer for so many years... but was he suffering? Did he even care? Did he ever want me in his life?  He did, but with boundaries... I've always been hit with boundaries... "I love you, but..." If he did care, what a shitty way to leave this world.  I can't imagine how he was feeling in the last months, and that kills me almost more than if he just didn't care.  Mom seemed to be just reevaluating her life and living for herself, and then she was gone.  It all happened so fast and was so unexpected, I can't comprehend how it's possible to just all of a sudden be gone like that... it makes me freak out... it makes me super scared.  It makes me feel unsafe... the trauma from experiencing seeing her die right in front of me and there was absolutely nothing I could do has changed me... it's made me feel even more worthless.  And Andrew... I wasn't enough for him.... or was I? I don't know... they've always told me how special I am, and how much they love me, but then they do something else... their actions say something else to me... it confuses me.  How do I really know what to believe? Everything is so confusing and unsafe... I couldn't save Dad, I couldn't save Mom and I couldn't save Andrew... I couldn't be worth enough.  I don't know how to get past this.  I don't want to feel this way.