I miss my sister.

I miss her smile, her hugs, her smell, her laugh, the twinkle in her eye, her tenaciousness to make it on her own. I miss her pride, I miss her loving heart, I miss her bubbly personality, I miss her attitude. I miss how fiercely she loved her family and how much she worried about our mom. I miss how excited she got when she would see her nephews. I miss how intelligent she was - even when she was making stupid mistakes. I miss her and all she was and ever will be.

I want her back. I wish she had never met Brandon. She could have done so much with her life if she had never met him. I always swore that she'd be a veterinarian when she grew up. She had this very tough exterior but as soon as you got her around animals or children she melted like butter. 

I often wonder if she knew just how much I love her. How much her death has devastated me. Can she see me now? Can she hear me?  Is she with me? 

I want to ask her so many questions and tell her so many things.

I don't want to let her go yet but I want to be at peace with this. Is that possible? To hold on and still be ok? I just want to see her and talk to her. I see her every time I close my eyes, even if it's just a blink, but I want to see her with my eyes open. 

This is tearing my heart apart. I have a constant lump in the back of my throat and constant thoughts of her run through my mind. I don't want to feel like this.

I miss my sister.