When you stop counting the minutes, hours, days and weeks that have passed, does that mean you are starting to heal? I'm still counting...

I work at dealing with this unbearable grief by talking, writing, going to therapy and my primary source of comfort, my faith in Jesus Christ.

Intellectually I feel normal, but emotionally and this may sound weird, but even physically I feel like I am missing half of me. I am confused, apathetic and some times angry.

The things I once didn't even pause to do, I can't start. Like mow the lawn, rake the leaves, or even bathe!

If somebody has a problem with me or even looks like they do, I am ready for them to bring it on so I can unleash all of this rage and sadness.

Fortunatly I recognize that and have not followed through. But I still find it hard to care about anything I once had a passion for.

I would ride my bicycle everyday at lunch for a work out. And on weekends if the weather was ok and I didn't have anything else going on, I would take a long bike ride.

I love football. My favorite pro team is the Dallas Cowboys. They have achance to host the Super Bowl this year, but it's not going to happen because they are having a bad year. In the past that would bug me. Now, they can lose every single game and I would give a damn.

My favorite college team is the University of Iowa and they could have been a true contender for the #1 ranking this year. They have lost two games, so that is out of the question. Now, I do care if they lose, but it won't be the end of the world and I doubt I would be dissappointed. In the past, I would be so dissappointed I don't know how I would have reacted after the last loss to Wisconsin.

I just don't care about much of anything since I lost the Love of my Life. Without my faith and my children, I would even go so far as to say my life is empty, but it is not, so that is reason to have hope.