Losing anyone is a difficult experience to go through but I feel that losing a spouse can be more traumatic. Whenever you lose someone you have your partner to support you, someone to hold your hand and tell you it's going to be okay and you'll get through this. But when you lose your spouse you don't have that support. Friends and family try to be there to help you but your partner would be there at times no one else could, first thing in the morning, last thing at night or when you wake up in the middle of the night and all you want it to reach out and hold them close.

I recently lost my fiancée (Jan 2015) and am having a difficult time coping with it.
Amanda and I were together for 3yrs in a long distance relationship. With me living in England and her living in America our time together was very limited. 

After dealing with all the fun of immigration options we had finally worked out a plan to move and live together and get married. However 3 months before we were set to move in together Amanda was rushed into hospital, we found out she was having issues with blood clots and sadly 24hrs later she passed away.

Some of the things I’m having difficulty with are thinking about what I’m going through and where we should be. I keep thinking how happy and excited we should be as the time when we were supposed to move in together gets closer. Thinking of all the plans we had, either big plans like our wedding and travelling the country or little plans like meals we wanted to cook for the other or spending Sunday mornings tucked up in bed. I keep thinking of everything we went through in our long distance relationship, the lonely nights wishing the other was closer or all the work and research we had to do for the immigration applications. The only thing we wanted was to be together and get to do regular couple stuff like cooking dinner or watching TV together in the evening. Thinking how we finally had our plan in place and were so close and then having it all ripped out from under us.

One thing I’m glad about is, as this was so sudden, I know Amanda passed away happy. She knew our plan was approved and was going to work; she was only weeks away from quitting a job she hated and moving to be with me. She knew she had a wonderful year ahead of her, getting to focus her time on herself, us and our wedding. She was so excited to start planning, and I know she was planning what to change in my house to make it our home. I take comfort in knowing I made her so happy, knowing that she loved me, knowing that she passed feeling loved and most of all knowing that she never had to feel what I’m going through now. Having to live my days without her by my side feeling lost and empty, having nothing to look forward or to focus on.