My mom and her 3 sisters at our last family reunion last June.

I have been going to counseling for a couple months now I think. To help me get through the devastating loss of moms death. When mom got sick some family issues came up and after her death I cut myself off from almost all of my aunts and uncles. (There are 6 total counting mom).

I am extremely stubborn (I thank Mom for that trait) and won't be the first one to reach out to any of them. My counselor said that I don't need to but maybe sending them an e-mail or letter letting them know how I felt/feel. To own my feelings. You would think that after Moms passing that we would be a closer family. But Moms death did the exact oppisite. I miss my aunts terribly. They are apart of mom. So with the help of my counselor I am trying to make amends with my extended family. I believe it will take some time but anything is possible right?

My children return to school this coming Monday. I have a lot of anxiety about this since I haven't really been alone since moms passing. This will be the first time in years where I won't have anyone to take care of. My whole adult life has been about my children and my mom. I loved it when my kids returned to school because that meant alone time with my mom. Shopping or going to lunch or just hanging out. I won't have that this fall. My counselor says I need to find somthing for me to occupy my time now. A hobby or a part time job...anything. But at this point in time all I want is my mom back.

Last night I went and listen to my cousins band play. He sang at moms prayer service and at the cemetary. He sang "Just Passing Thru" while sitting next to her casket at the cemetary. Well last night he sang that song. And it was the first time I had heard it since the funeral. In front of everyone there I just let the tears fall. I didn't feel ashamed or embarrased. It took me back to that day. I could feel the sunshine on my face, the smell of all the flowers, hear all the sniffles of my loved ones around me, the feel of my husbands hands on my shoulders. Even though it was quite painful to hear that song again it was in a way healing. I had avoided remembering that day. And I knew that wasn't healthy. So I made a huge step in my greiving process last night. As much as people tell me that by avoiding the emotions I am just prolonging the process I can't help but do just the opposite. But I am trying. I am trying as hard as I emotionally can to face the fact that my Mom is gone and is never coming back.

Heather