For the past 11 months, everyone is constantly asking me how I'm feeling. How am I doing, am I alright. I say yes, I'm fine. But I'm really not, who ever is? My brother died unexpectedly, there were no warning signs that we would've known that he was dying. From what he knew he had a cold, that's all he would let us know at least. When you live seven stated away from one another how else are you supposed to track their health? I always feel like there should have been something more I could have done. Maybe if I called to check up on him more, he would've listened and gone to the doctor sooner. 

I know it's irrational to think that it's my fault, but when you have no support system that you can go to, I do nothing more than think over and over if there was anything else I could have done. I miss my brother, terribly. We had a bond that no one in our family could ever understand, a bond so strong that I felt it that day that he wasn't going to make it. The past 11 months I had brushed everything under the rug and continued to live my life, but it's getting harder and harder to go each and every day, to momentarily forget that he isn't there anymore and when I go to pick up the phone and call I get that rush of emotions again. I feel that emptiness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe, the swirling in my head like I'm falling and no one can save me.