I'm just realizing how badly my sister's death has affected me. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I can't stop myself.

I thought I was being really strong and doing a great job of holding myself together but I couldn't have been more wrong. There has been a perfect storm brewing inside me since I got that phone call and I'm only now seeing it.

I started smoking again (I had quit last April cold turkey and was doing so well), my drinking has increased a lot, I'm emotionally withdrawn from my family and finally this past weekend I cheated on my husband. It was not intentional and not something that I went out looking for. I had gone to a friend's house (whose wife is away at rehab) and we were just talking. Venting to each other about our pain and I finally broke down in tears and he just enveloped me in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair and whispered sweet somethings to me. I had never felt so comfortable in any place my entire life. I know it was wrong but it felt so right.

The very worst of all of this?? I don't want to stop. Any of it. I want to drink and smoke and I want to be with my friend. How screwed up am I? I feel bad for whatever pain I've caused but I don't regret anything. Is this a cry for help?

My sister died an unhappy person and I'm terrified that I will, too. I want to be happy and I'm trying so desperately to find my happy. I wish this wasn't so hard. I have no idea what to do and I just want to numb all my pain and confusion. I'm so tired everything.

When do things start to 'get better'???