Iam not suicidal.Only in the food dept and Iam cutting down.Grief to me is like a heavy person sitting on your chest.

This morning I was sitting in front of the computer(the supervisors computer ohhh!)he wanted me to watch a certain reaction to resetting some badge readers This was on the computer.I was looking at a read out on the computer and I started to get (startling recreations of seeing my wife dying in the hosp)I had about three of these visions if you will.Each time I turned away from the computer and they stopped.Lets call it gut wrenching. Well it went away. I still carry it in my brain but not to the degree I envisioned this morning.

I called the oldest grandson and  asked if I could come over to pay respects to my wife(ashes) in a box,that sounds gross doesn,t it.you know cremation.So he is going to ask his dad or mom whenI can come over.That sucks. Iam beginning  to not like my stepsons attitude towards me(no calls no visits) even thou the house is trashed out to some degree at least it would be nice.

Ha ha  so if I blew my brains out(in the living room )less of a mess to clean up,I wonder how long it would be before he called or came over to see if I was alright. There would be my lifeless body.

Iam eating my vegtables cann,t spell some of them one is kale. My stomach is saying"what the hell is this" as I have been eating junk food.

So grief is always there.You know you from a strong bond with your loved one,or family member and then its severed.This Iam sure (and it does) start a grieving process you cann,t control, it takes control of your body and you cann,t stop it.So learn to live with it,like an evil spirit(did I spell that right) maby its not evil just a enity in your body.

well off to wash the clothes.and drag my ass to the gym