Things are just resonating with me today, I guess, and I'm actually in a place where I can write my thoughts. I read this one just a bit ago... "Feelings of grief recede, but feelings of loss remain ever-present."

Another one that hits home as I define what this journey is that I'm on. It seems to more accurately describe how I have felt all along. As I was a 2-year old when my Mother died 42-plus years ago, I don't think I could have had the capacity to consciously grieve. Maybe I did. I am really not sure. The loss, however, is indeed ever-present. I often describe it as a gaping hole in my soul. It is an emptiness I cannot really describe or compare to anything I have ever felt. I have also expressed that I feel like a shroud or cloak of grief hangs on my shoulders and I am looking for any healthy way to removed that shroud. It affects every relationship I have ever had in my life, both personal and professional. It has developed me into an introverted extrovert, who feeds on the energy of other people around me, both positive and negative. I know that part of it is what is known as Collateral Loss, which I feel as I lost not only my Mother, but I lost that Mother-Daughter relationship as well as the relationships I should have been able to have with both my Brother and Father, who were left behind swimming in this sea of loss like me. We should have been able to grieve together. We should have been able to lean on each other through our grief and loss, but the pain of the loss seemed to be too much for my father to bear, and manifested in him not being able to facilitate any healing for himself, my Brother, or me. As a result, my Brother and I both grew up knowing very little about our Mother, and we still know very little. Now that our Father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I feel like it is too late to recover any of those memories he might be able to share with us as his cognition declines steadily.