Today I woke up angry.

I think I hate these days the most, right now anyway. I think that anger is a useless and dangerous emotion that can completely eat you alive if you allow it. As strongly as I feel this is true, I can't not stop my anger from coming.

I'm angry that my sister was murdered. I'm angry that her killer was someone that she thought loved her.  I'm angry that she suffered so much in her final moments. I'm angry that she didn't leave him when she had the chance. I'm angry that she supported him all those years. I'm angry that she thought it was ok to stay in a toxic relationship. I'm angry for all the precious moments in life that he stole from her. Finishing school, getting married, buying a house, having babies, going on amazing vacations, having grand babies, growing old with someone who truly loved her for all she was worth. I'm angry that she'll never have the chance to change the world. I'm angry for all the time with her that we will never have. Angry that she won't be able to watch her nieces and nephews grow up, make mistakes and succeed. I'm angry for all the pain my parents are feeling. No one should ever have to bury their child, ever. Period. It's wrong, not the natural order of things.

I'm so angry that people defend what he has done. Murder is NOT justifiable. I'm angry that people think that after he took his own life, he was welcomed into God's house with open arms. I'm angry that he was a coward. I'm angry that he never amounted to anything. I'm angry that he treated my sister like dirt. I'm angry that he broke my mother's heart, she took him in when his family didn't want him. I'm angry that his family didn't raise him right, if they had maybe he would have gotten help with his anger. Maybe he wouldn't have felt that hurt feelings were validation for violence. I'm angry that he wasn't a man. I'm angry that people think it's ok to mourn the death of a murderer. I'm angry that people thought he was a good man. He certainly was not a man and he sure as hell was not good. I'm angry that my life is completely changed because of his cruel, thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate, and cowardly actions.

I'm angry that I feel this way.

I'm angry that I can't stop him from 'winning'. I feel like my being angry is allowing him to win. I don't know what he's winning but it feels wrong.

I'm better than this anger. This is not me. What has happened to who I was? Where did I go? How do I get me back?

I don't know the woman typing these words. The woman I know is kind, loving, calm, rational, logical, compassionate, a little spontaneous and reserved.

Who am I now?