It's been almost 7 months since I lost my Mom. Sometimes I still can't believe I haven't talked with her in so long, and that I never will again. Being so far from home has made it easier to pretend that she's back home and fine. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that she's really gone forever. I feel like my life is still on pause and I have no idea where to go from here.I wish I could talk to my Mom about this. She always knew what to say.

 I still have a lot of unresolved bills to take care of and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lazy or if I'm scared that once it's done it'll really start to feel like the end. There is this whole mess with her 401K that we've been dealing with. My Grandmother is named as the beneficiary but because of the amount, if she were to withdraw the money she would lose her medicaid benefits. The lawyer had her fill out a disclaimer and sent it to the company saying that she didn't want it and that it would automatically go to her next of kin which would be me.The company has basically ignored all contact from the lawyer. He told me I needed to call them. Although I still wonder what I can say that I lawyer can't.

  I don't really want any of the money except enough to pay for the funeral and all the other medical bills. I've been putting off calling the company for almost 7 months now. I'm building up to it I guess. I just don't know if I can handle talking on the phone for what I'm sure will be hours repeating over and over to stranger that she's dead. I don't think crying on the phone with help.

Well that's what I'm dealing with, or rather not dealing with, right now.