Several years ago therapists #1 and #3 each suggested a writing assignment.  Journal what life would look and feel like had Jen’s accident not happened.  At first the suggestion sounded intriguing, I love writing and find it therapeutic.  After some reflection though, I declined.  There were too many iterations (especially considering the infinite universe theory) and what makes me think that the rosy-colored, cherry-picked version that I focus on would have ever happened?  So many ways…

I (intellectually) know that grief cycles, ups and downs, yet I still let myself fall into the thinking that I was somehow getting 'better'.  Memories and thoughts were decreasing in their intensity and frequency.  Even had a couple days in December without thoughts of Jen popping into my mind.  The emotions that followed were not so gut wrenching.  Dreams were absent of her (sometimes even despite requesting she appear).

Then the turn of the year and a completely new dream…

(Pardon the length, brevity is not in my nature and this has been bottled far too long.)

The Notification

I was going to school at Kansas State, but that day had returned to Topeka to visit friends.  I rolled into my parents’ house about 3am on the 18th of October and went in to squeeze my mother’s foot, as was the custom to let them know I was…