Lynne, Thank you so much for asking about how I am doing.  I think of you alot and know that the pain we feel is shared. 

I haven't been doing too well, lately. My husband and I spent the last 5 years dealing with crisis with the kids illnesses and effects of treatment.  Then they were gone.   I think it is really just hitting me that they are gone.  Next month is the 1st anniversary of Erica's death, and we are just starting to realize that we have a life without the crisis, and now we are realizing the magnitude of the loss.  Dealing with the trauma of their illnesses and deaths, as well as the grief of their loss and the loss of our lives as we knew and expected them to be.  I Know you know what I mean.  In addition to that we have a boatload of debt to deal with, my husband has been unemployed since he was laid off in Nov 2009 (his job after that was taking care of the kids), and he has no energy or motivation to get back in the corporate world.  I understand his dilema, truly I do, and I am under so much pressure feeling stuck that our whole frigging financial lives are hinging on my keeping my job (and my brain power is severely affected by all of this).   We are having extreme difficulties in our marriage due to this and are in marriage counseling.  Neither of us has the energy for it, but if we are going to survive as a couple we have to do something.  Unfortunately, his job situation is not a new event, or it wouldn't be such an issue.  Of the 18 yrs we've been married, he has had a steady incoming producing job maybe half of it.  Other times it has been me providing for the family.  I'm exhausted, tired, sad and angry.  And I cannot count on or trust my husband to provide for us.   Maybe right now it is just easier to be angry with him than with everything else.  I don't know. 

I know I rambled, and got into stuff that has nothing to do with the kids, but I am so angry and sad most of the time right now.  I hope things get better.

I have to say that I hope to be able to reply to people the way you do with grace and compassion one day.  Your words are always so uplifting.  Thank you for listening and for reaching out.

Hugs,

Sue

So sorry for your losses no one should have to endure this i don't understand , i do know that for me its not a one of those days things yet if ever its daily and i find its getting worse as in im simply spent , the grieve is so intense , i miss her so badly sometimes i feel like its going to just kill me , since January 17 i have not had relive from this pain ,anguish , anger and nothing anyone says matters for me right now i just want to be with amber but i know i cant how is anyone suppose to go on ? how are we expected to survive ? this is not living this is barely existing in total devastation and pain ..i don't want it yet its such a cruel world i don't even have the choice to say im done take me out ....i have to stay and do what im suppose to whatever that's suppose to be...i love my other children more then life but for whatever reason i miss my child and worry where is she , is she scared ? is she sad ? cold ? is she period ? will i really get to see her again someday ? its full circle fucked excuse my language ...its just how i feel ...

firstly im so sorry for your losses and your right suicide is selfish and i would like to end it if i was promised it would not hurt anyone and i would go straight to where ever amber is and be there happy eternally that is just not going to happen i would never kill myself not now not ever i have a obligation to my children , grandchildren , and the message i would send them would be i love amber more then any of you and this is just not true im working very hard at not allowing anymore hurt to touch Sarah life the loss of her best friend and sister at the age of 14 is bad enough , im glad she is busy with school ,activities , friends gives me  a chance to be a mess all the time or most of the time but when shes home i get up do mom thanks for your kind words and like you said selfish is the mother who takes her life , its not option for us yes suicide is huge on my mind since amber died But i will never take that  route primarily for my kids sake and secondly in case there is a heaven i want to get in ..be well talk soon.