I am trying to put back together the fragments of my mind and life. The infrastructure of simply living is broken. If I fix one part, I find I'm ignoring all the rest. I try to eat right and end up not going out. Now I'm afraid to have people see me because my face is so distressed and they expect me to be above that and will think I'm a failure. Everything that goes wrong piles up and reinforces the feeling that I'm worthless. I've felt like I was going crazy or going to die and now I've heard that that is common with grief. Mom was my best friend for my whole life. I relied on these three people mom, dad, and my husband and now there is no one to help me think my way through problems or encourage me to repair my life in effective ways. I feel like the song "there is a hole in the bucket" that is in the round style and is about not being able to do anything because the basic thing (the bucket) is broken. I keep trying things and just end up with the same hole in the bucket stopping me.

I can't stand complaining and I'm afraid it will make me worse. I also hate to be a complainer bugging other people, I know it's offensive and selfish. I'm used to trying to be reliably unemotional and practical, nothing is working. Emotions just floor me worse, I can't get relief and I need to make a living and be healthy again somehow.

I just don't know how to start being active, everything I think of, I discount as a possibility of a way to get out of this trap.