Virginia Molley
  • Benton, AR
  • United States
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About Me:
I am the middle of 3 children. My mom was "on the outs" with me when she passed, but I was unaware of it. She had breast cancer that she refused to treat, as well as COPD. She had really declined since Christmas, and was very debilitated, having difficulty breathing. Mom continually told us she did not want to be put on a ventilator if she became unable to breathe.
About my Loss:
Mom went to the hospital and agreed to try ventilation with bipap (without tube down throat). Her oxygen level rose to 92%. She continually tried to remove the mask, and I told her if she removed it she would die. She would leave it alone for a while and start again. Mom was not confused. On the 4th day in the hospital, the Dr. came in and asked me to explain to her that she could wear the bipap home, but would remain in the bed like she was;that her problem was not oxygenation, but the fact that her lungs had quit expanding and contracting. Mom decided to pull off the mask, fully knowing she would die. During her hospitalization, she would often say "I want to live." Now she had decided to remove her mask and die. She died a beautiful, painless death while family sat with her. I had spent 3 nights with her, and I was at peace with her at the time. Now that she has passed, my brother and I feel so guilty. There are a lot of what ifs? I feel like by explaining her situation to her, maybe she felt like she was in the way. What if we had put the mask back on her to keep her alive? What if it wasn't God's time, but her decision? This is driving me nuts. I miss my momma soooo badly. We had gotten close, especially in the last few months. Please help me. Did I cause my mom's death? Will I be held accountable by God?

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