Tracie
  • Female
  • Orrum, NC
  • United States
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About Me:
40 year old widow with 2 daughters 10 and 15. My husband had congestive heart failure, liver failure, high blood pressure, gout, etc. He lost his job in 2008 and he went downhill from there. We had our youngest in 2006 and she was born with birth defects. She has died twice and has had 37 surgeries to date. Our oldest has had her share of medical issues as well, however, she is the healthy one out of the bunch. I was diagnosed in 2013 with an inoperable mass on my brain.
About my Loss:
My husband passed away August 3rd 2016 at the young age of 43. We had been together for 20 1/2 years. He was my soul mate and my best friend. He had gotten sick and been hospitalized a few times. The last 4 years of our marriage we went from soul mates to enemies to friends. He was verbally abusive and I constantly reminded myself that I would not be an ongoing cycle of failed marriages. I was in it for better or worse. Well, I ended up going against all that when the verbal abuse became apart of my children's daily routine. He would constantly lash out at me and our youngest. It really scarred her emotionally and mentally. Then one day I had enough and I left: July 22nd 2016. My husband literally had nobody at that point. His parents were deceased and his brothers stopped coming around. Me and our girls went and checked on him every few days after we left and would take him food, etc. He had been stopped eating. He always told me no matter what he wanted me and our girls to be happy. I relive August 3rd almost everyday. I had gotten a call from the neighbor that said I needed to come quick because something was wrong. She told me he was outside and she thought he was dead. She also said she had already called 911. We rushed to check on him and what I saw was the most devastating site. The house looked like a crime scene. There were so many cops it was unbelievable. I could not get to him, because they had police tape around the property. There he was laying on the porch: gone! My heart, our children would never be the same. They said he passed away due to cardiac arrest. I will never know if that was the case. What I do know is I constantly ask myself what If? It bothers me knowing that he died alone. What could I have done different? I wonder if our girls blame me? I have breakdowns a lot and I miss him so much! I miss knowing that what we had was each other regardless. I miss the feeling of being wanted and loved. I miss the life we once had. I know I can't get that back, however, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I'm struggling with finding inner peace.
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