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Nona Jordan
- Female
- Charlotte, NC
- United States Minor Outlying Islands
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- About Me:
- I am the 63 year old mother of an only child, my son Shane. I am married to a man God sent me 16 years ago. I work fulltime and probably will (sadly)until they kick me out. I am a Reiki (Ray-Key) Master Teacher (form of hands-on energy healing). I am surviving the death of my son by sheer determination and the belief that I am here to complete my mission on earth (whatever that is) before I join Shane at Home.
I still trust God and know Shane's leaving was as it should be.
All those days of his dying I gave him Reiki. I somehow communicated with him; I knew when he was "there" and when he wasn't. I believe he was traveling, preparing to go. I asked over and over for him to come back just once to let me know he was safe and happy. Just once. I asked God, my Angels, Shane, my deceased inlaws, everyone. I asked it the minute he died, the minutes after. It has been two years and he hasn't. I am angry,not at Shane but at whoever is in charge of these things. I let Shane go, entrusting him to God...and all I asked was this one thing. I know there is a reason for it but it feels as if I don't matter. His mother. Nothing to do about it; isn't up to me. Perhaps the lesson is to accept all of it, but being a Mama Tiger I just want to KNOW he is safe. Is that so wrong? This is the one thing that haunts me.
I "do" what is expected of me each day. I look "normal" to everyone but I feel dead inside and am praying to FEEL again. I need to live now, to do the job I'm here to do on earth, not remain stuck in this dark place - but I just don't know how to get there yet.
- About my Loss:
- Shane was a healthy 37 year old, full of life. He came to visit, complaining of not feeling well. The next day he was admitted to the hospital with full blown pneumonia (he showed NO signs of it). Then he was transferred to ICU and eveloped ARDS (acute respitory distress syndrome) so was put into a medically induced coma. In spite of all the medical teams efforts he worsened daily, his x-rays showing the infection taking over each lung slowly. People everywhere were praying for his return to health, but it was not to be.
Shane was a special needs child. Slightly retarded, many physical problems during his childhood, learning disabilities. We used to call him "Forrest Gump without the money". He always loved that!
Reading articles now, I think he had a form of autism, something no one knew about in 1971 when he was born. No matter, he never let any of his disabilities stop him. He was the most determined person I know and insisted that society accept him. And they did, with open arms. We didn't know how loved he was until almost 1,000 people attended his funeral (and he lived in a very small town).
Shane and I were always soul-linked, very close, always "feeling" where the other was no matter how much physical distance was between us. He was and still is my Hero; the person I wish I could be; the person who overcame pain and obstacles most would not; the one who showed everyone by example how we all should live.
He was an independent adult, lived alone, drove, worked, had a great life. I let him go years ago to have this life, I just didn't know I would have to let him go forever so soon.
No words for my pain. The biggest agony is not being able to "feel" him. Being a Reiki healer, I "feel" my way through life, understanding energies of others quickly. Now I have been cut off from Shane and it feels as if I am floating in black space, unable to grab onto anything substantial.
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