Nancy
  • Female
  • Ballwin, MO
  • United States
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About Me:
I have two college age kids and one 29 yr ol stepdaughter. I'm currently off work as I drive my son to court and court ordered treatment for drinking. I was a professional IT employee prior to my husband's death. I was hoping to go back to work this fall but at 55 I'm afraid I won't be able to get a job.
About my Loss:
When I met my husband I knew he was a recovering addict. We worked through it and through a very vindictive ex-wife who used the courts and his daughter against him for 20 yrs. Only a few years into our marriage my husband hurt his back which was misdiagnosed and by our 5th anniversary he had two major back surgeries leaving him in chronic pain. After multiple tries and different therapies he was put on opioid. The change was amazing. The opioid medications continued to help with his pain. he was on the same medications at the same prescription levels for 15 years. 7 years ago he did something stupid and in an effort to speed up the affect of one of his medications he injected it rather than taking the pill form. shortly after that he contracted pneumonia and became septic. whether one had anything to do with the other no one knows however as soon as medical staff saw that he had injected some of his medication and saw how much medication team is on they immediately labeled him an addict stopped his medications even though I warned that would put him in withdrawal making his breathing worse. my concerns were ignored and you could see the demeanor of the nursing staff and the Physicians when they saw his record physically change as they felt they were treating an addict rather than a patient with pneumonia. 5 days into his Hospital stay they finally contacted a pain management specialist who immediately informed them they could not stop the medication and he started him on Fentanyl which almost killed him. I would stay at the hospital until 2 a.m. go home make sure my teenagers were in for the night, get them off for school in the morning and then go back to the hospital. the night after the pain management specialist put him on the Fentanyl I came to the hospital to find they had to put him on a respirator. He almost died 3 times during that hospital stay. the Physicians wrote him a script for fentanyl which they knew no Doctor would prescribed outside the hospital. he's only choice was to check himself in to a 48-hour Rehab Center so that he could go on Suboxone treatment. this managed his pain but prevented him from gettIng high. they gradually reduced his Suboxone level to barely anything which I never understood. However he seemed to be doing very well. we actually went on a trip to Alaska and had a blast. Our honeymoon - which only took 23 years to have it. the next year his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. he washed his father died a horrible death. a couple of months later he had to move his mother into a retirement community and sell the family home which was devastating to him. 9 months later he was attending school to finally finish a degree he had long wished for however his job had hired a new CIO whose main job was to get rid of the long-timers of which by husband was one. the stress of losing his father, of his mother having to move to the nursing home and the overwhelming stress of his job I believe pushed him over the edge. at the same time our children reach the age where they were moving out to go to college empty nest syndrome set in with a force. I found out In 2015 he was using again. he almost overdosed. he tried detoxing on his own which did not work. he went through a 7-Day Detox and started seeing his psychiatrist again. I thought he was doing better until I came down one morning and found him dead on the floor and overdose of Fentanyl. I've been devastated feeling I didn't see the signs and that he felt he couldn't come to be for help. I have been so depressed I have. Been Unable to work. I have lost all confidence in myself and I know I have to go back to work in a few months but at the age of 55 I am afraid I will not be able to find a position in the IT field at I previously held. I know he's to blame for taking the drug but I still feel to blame as well. I'm also mad as hell that he left me after 25 years of marriage and that he won't be there for our kids. He was all I had.

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At 11:55am on June 4, 2017, Nora said…

Hello, Nancy. Sorry for your loss. Maybe you can find some support here.

I also lost a job when my husband passed as I just could not do anything. I have the same fear that I will not find anything. Everything outside the house hurts me. Let's hope that miracle will happen or we just get lucky.

Sending love and hugs to you.

 
 
 

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My mom died 4 months ago

My mom had pulmonary fibrosis. She was sick for a few years. It was funny how when my grandmother smoked, my mom would always say-I’m gonna die from second hand smoke. My mom never smoked. She died from lung disease. Ironic.I was fine at the funeral. Planning. Talking to everyone. I thought u handled it great. Now 4 months later, I’m a mess. Some days I’m perfectly fine, but others I can’t walk down the street without crying. I keep thinking that I haven’t talked to her in a while & I…See More
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My dad was the best human I’ve ever known.
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