Melissa
  • Female
  • Albuquerque, NM
  • United States
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About Me:
I'm 20 years old from New Mexico. I hope to be a veterinarian. I love art and music and animals of all shapes and sizes.
About my Loss:
I lost my father on December 29, 2013. He was 51 years old. He had been an alcoholic since he was about 14. He was always able to work and drank after work, when he was at home and on weekends (heavily). He would get drunk and be verbally abusive and mean, in short-a completely different person than he really was. Without alcohol he was funny and easy going, he loved to make me laugh. We loved to go fishing and go for long rides to nowhere in his truck. He used to tell me unbelievable bedtime stories and make my stuffed rabbit talk. He always told me "Be strong, mina. Be strong." And I'm trying to be.
He lost his job 2 years ago due to an injury and then was repeatedly denied unemployment, then disability. His drinking got worse and worse as he grew more depressed about not being able to help provide. I transferred to a university closer to home so that I could save money and be close by. He was always very hesitant to go to doctors, he said he already knew what they were going to say. When we finally did get him to go, he downplayed his drinking and the symptoms he was starting to have. In the end, the doctor told him (9 days before he died) that based on October's beadwork, he should be immediately hospitalized and go into in-patient rehab after emergency room detox. He refused. After that meeting with the doctor, he refused to talk about any of it (he had never been forthcoming before, either). It was like after that meeting his body started to completely fall apart. He got ascites (massive swelling of the stomach from free fluid buildup) and his jaundice became very severe. We called an ambulance on a Friday, to try and get him to just go and get the fluid drained because he could hardly breathe. After hours of pleading and arguing with him, he agreed to go to the hospital on the condition that he got to come home the same night. We arrived in the ER and the doctor did blood work. The doc said that based on the results, he knew my dad wasn't mentally competent enough to make his own decisions and kept him in the hospital. They moved him to ICU at 4am where he grew so agitated and disoriented that they had to sedate him. I had gone home for the night to tend our animals. The las time I saw him conscious, he was vomiting blood in the ER. I didn't even kiss him goodbye when I left, I just said "Bye dad, love you. I'll be back tomorrow morning" When I arrived at the hospital on Saturday morning, he was sedated and not responsive. The new doctor told us that he was headed for needing to be on life support, which he never wanted. We elected for in-hospital hospice care with no idea how long it would be. He passed away Sunday morning at 4am. Again, I wasn't there, my mom sent me home to rest. It all happened so fast. He was so damn stoic and stubborn, he was up and walking around and doing things the same day we took him to the hospital! I can't even believe it.
Through all of this, I'm having such a hard time. We disagreed so much and I had distanced myself from him because when he drank, he wasn't a nice person. I always felt like if he had loved us a little more that he would have stopped. I'm trying to tell myself that it was a disease and he didn't have a choice, but it's so hard. I'm so mad at him for how he was when he was drunk and I'm so mad at him for giving up and refusing to get treatment. He left me here, me and my mom all alone. He'll never see me graduate college or get married, he'll never meet my kids. I feel so guilty that I pushed him out of my life these last couple years. I was so mad at him for so long, I tried to tell myself that I didn't need him in my life. But I do need him. I need my daddy. And he left me.
I have such bad dreams, about him the way he would get when he was really drunk. Why can I remember that in so much more detail than the good times?
None of this feels real. I miss him so much.

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