Dear Marianne, I am so sorry, try from the deepest part of your soul to maintain for your grand children. I don't like counting the days that my son passed away because every sunrise reminds me that my son is not here but as much as I hate thinking it, saying it, reading it, writing it or typing it, my son passed away 3 years on Oct 16th, 2009....wow, it sound so foreign to me, so painful, I will forever be broken but somehow I get through each day. I can't even speak of my son in the past tense.  None of this will ever be "ok", we can just stay in contact with those that are walking in our shoes. I can relate to your situation with your husband as well, my husband is not my son's father, he just wanted me to get over it and his attitude has severely damaged our relationship to the point where I moved out.  Just fight to hang on.