Libbie,  Under "about my loss" your last word is quite definite.

Help….

This is a word I swear has no answer.  We all need it and no one in a literal sense is able to do much for us.  What we can do is reach out, read how others are (or in many cases are not) handling the pain of their loss very well and know that we are not the only ones crying out for help.

I go on a couple of websites besides this one for my "help".  On each one I read something that somehow makes me know I am not suffering alone and in its own way it "helps" me. How?  I have no idea.  I do seek it out though.  It's like pain medication.  My own personal internet IV drip.  

Death of the person who we loved and being left to deal with the repercussions of what that does to our own mental health is beyond traumatizing.  We simply have no answers nor do we know how to deal with it.  I have come round more and more to realizing that this is WAY bigger than I will ever be able to overcome and I am doing only what I have to do while I breathe.  

Life for me has become pretty inconsequential.  In the last week I have also had to euthanize my beloved kitty cat who really was my husbands cat and it is like having to bury him twice.  That little heartbeat that was always with me and was the last visceral connection to my husband has now also been severed.  How am I coping? Not well but that seems to have become the flavor of the day.  Coping and then not coping.  Crying and then not crying.  Doing and then not doing.  At one point in life thinking things were hard I regret my whining then because it does not hold a candle to where my head is at now.  

Looking at the world in its ever declining state I know in many ways I have no problems.  It's then I really begin to question the necessity of continuing and yet I still wake up to open my eyes and the scene is about the same.  I have to get through another day.  

I have no answers Libbie. I am really of no help either.  I just wanted to write to say you are in the company of others who have heard your cry for "help" and although we cant do much more than to write back acknowledging it we all understand your pain.  All  of us with different circumstances and different history's but the pain seems inscrutably similar and we are thinking of you.