Half way through the day today, I felt physical pain in my heart.

It was an ache. It hurt so much that I wasn't able to take a full breath.

I know what pain in the heart like that might mean. I had some pain in my left arm, too. It wasn't severe enough to interfere with anything I was doing, except taking a full breath. It hurt all the rest of today and still hurt when I got home. I was hoping it would get worse, and I could be taken by a heart attack out of this.

I took my sleeping aid and went to bed.

I woke up after only three hours and the physical pain is no longer present. Whatever it was, it feels like it passed, unfortunately, and it was not a heart attack like I was hoping. And so I am awake again in this bitter, hellish nightmare of life.

I am up late now wandering around my house asking D, "where are you? I can't feel you. Why am I awake?" Sometimes I can feel D strongly. It's the only thing that comforts me at all even though feeling him without being able to see him or put my arms around him is a kind of torture.

I am so sorry that I can't rise above this. I believe he's right there, just beyond my perception, loving me, no longer sick and suffering like he was. I believe he is happy and well, and get a sense even that he is joyful, though sad for my sadness.

I think that I am supposed to be grateful to be alive. I am respectful toward whatever divine hand is arranging my life experience. I don't want to be a whiner and offend God. But I don't feel grateful to be alive. I am so sorry.