Jacqueline R
  • Female
  • Ankeny, IA
  • United States
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About my Loss:
Lost my mother to cancer on November 11 2017. I feel like a part of me died with her. I feel when I’m not crying is because I go like in a denial state until someone bring it up or said sorry for your lost. That hurts so much that my chest aches like if I’m having a heart problem I feel this hole and keep trying to wake up myself up from this nightmare. I’m on my late 30s but had my mom living with me. I go into her room as I used to go to say good morning and check on her I keep doing the routine like she’s still here I go and open the closet and hug her clothes because they still smell like her I look for signs like if the blanket gets a wrinkle or something on the bed that makes me think she’s here omg I feel so crazy and no one close understand my pain. It’s been 3 weeks and I still feel like to histerically cry and scream like that day at the hospital after seeing the doctors in the ICU trying to bring her back to life after her heart stop. Why they didn’t take me out why they let me watch is something I can’t forget and think over and over ! Is something no one should experience cause u will carry that image forever! I just don’t know how to learn to live with her ! I talk to her everyday everywhere cause I believe now she can go with me everywhere and people just give me the look when they seee me talking alone I know crazy right. I hate when people ask me what are my plans for the holidays are you kidding me ?! No one understands!! That’s why I’m here in this website reading other people experiences and feelings to remind me I’m not the only one. I also feel so angry at God I know I shouldn’t but I feel like to never go back to church. This changed me forever and I don’t know how to feel myself again.

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Grandma sewing room

So I am almost done with cleaning my grandmas sewing room that wasn’t touched in 10 years because of all the mess, but now that she passed away 2 days ago, I don’t know if I should continue, I wanna finish what I started but I don’t know what to do, my grandpa is still alive and I don’t want to leave this burden on him.See More
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