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Deanna
- Female
- Saint Louis, MO
- United States
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- About Me:
- I am a divorced Mom who lost my only child, Ian, to an accidental drug overdose 53 days ago, on April 10, 2017. I'm deep in the throws of grief, feeling a rollercoaster of emotions.
- About my Loss:
- My son Ian was 30 years old. He has struggled for many years, trying to "get his life together." I raised him in Wisconsin, so he would be closer to his Dad, who I have a decent relationship with. When Ian was 18 he moved out because he did'nt like my rules. I wanted to move back to St. Louis and told him he was more than welcome to come with me....I couldnt take the long winters any longer. He stayed. Fast forward a few years and his Dad and I confronted him about his lifestyle and he agreed to go to rehab, followed by a sober living facility in Arizona. We never really knew his drug of choice or why he chose this path. He got kicked out of the sober living facility for using synthetic pot. He Moved back to Wisconsin and had been trying to make his way ever since. I knew he was smoking pot and drinking and encouraged him to seek therapy, on many occasions , as did his Dad, and we would pay for it. He chose not to. I suspected it was more than just drug use...perhaps depression? Or was he that way because years of drug use had done this to him? I got to a point where I wouldn't rescue him financially. I went to Wisconsin, in October 2016 and he wasn't in a great place - needed to pay rent ( it was his bosses fault because he wouldnt pay him early). I refused to pay the $400 but I did give him gift card to grocery store. We did have one great day of hiking during that visit and it would be the last time I would see him alive. We loved nature together and I'm thankful for that day! I left Wisconsin in tears wishing there was a way I could "fix him". During that visit I finally asked what his drug of choice was and he said cocaine.
Today, I write with a heart that is fractured. My beautiful, creative, caring, friend to everyone, son, is no longer physically here to make me smile and laugh. I have spent the last 53 days in tears and in shock. Sometimes seemingly unbearable pain. I know you all understand. I haven't been angry, just incredibly sad. Until yesterday, when I got the police report. His friend/coworker found him in his new apartment and crack was found on the kitchen counter. The coroner had told us, upon initial autopsy, his heart was unusually large for a young man his age. We are still awaiting final autopsy report that will include toxicology/hitology report. I feel like I sound "cold" while writing this. Perhaps it's because I realized I was angry, for the 1st time. How could the love of my life choose drugs over his family, all of us who adored him. We are all left broken and I don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy, but I'm afraid the pain is going to cause this. I'm afraid of losing great friends, being envious of my brothers' children(i have three brothers with 4 nephews and two nieces), afraid of being miserable and alone for the rest of my living years.
In the last 53 days, I've shared my grief with friends and family and have been fortunate enough to be able to take time off work. I've also read and read and read some more and started seeing a grief counselor. I know the pain will always be there until the day I die - I just wish it didnt have to be. I'm going to desperately miss Ian's bright and shining soul! He could light up any room, that is for sure. So many great memories - we loved to travel abroad together and meet new people and have wonderful adventures.
I just felt the need to share with other "members" of this club no one wanted to join and ask for any words of wisdom.
Thank you for listening and bless you all!
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Dear, Deanna, I a so sorry for your loss. I have lost my husband but there is a group here for those who lost the child.I feel your pain but I also know no words can ease it.
Thank you for sharing Ian's bright life with us. He looks like a great kid who was just lost in his ways.
I have lost my husband but there is a group here for those who lost the child.I feel your pain but I also know no words can ease it.
Sending hugs and love to you.