Connie,  this is a very raw time for you and those of us here who have lost our beloved know how you are feeling.......I am sorry you had to find us but for many of us this is a lifeline.  I will hope you will find ways to cope with your pain. Each of us use different tools and much of it is an impossible task. Take baby steps.  An hour at a time and sometimes only a minute at a time.  Do what you can.  Dont let anyone else tell you how and how long you need to grieve.  

In the past five Xmases i have hibernated and only spoken to those who try to understand me.  Those people are down to three.  It takes too much of my deleted energy to go much further.  

Read on here and you will see that losing your beloved is a lot more complicated than society will admit.  But know your grief is valid and to be expected.  

I just wanted you to know your post on a day like today did not go unnoticed.  Take the best care you can.  Come here when you need to.  We understand.

morgan

BTW, even though I am trying to be consoling I wont kid you.  This will be the hardest thing you will ever attempt to do and the fact I can even try to write something that reaches out to you is only through grueling practice.  Most often I am very fragile and need support.  I come here often and will continue to till my own dying day.  I thank everyone here for being so honest so I know I am not crazy.