Christina Brown
  • Female
  • Sandy, OR
  • United States
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About Me:
I am 45yrs old, living in Sandy Oregon ( a suburb of Portland) I am an only child. I have a wonderful 22yr old son. I have been married for almost 19yrs. Unfortunately its not a very happy marriage. We have grown so far apart. My loss has only made our distance grow. However even though I know I need to move on with my life, I just can't find the courage. I am disabled by severe chronic pain and arthritis. I have no income of my own so this makes it much harder for me to try to leave my husband and start over. So for now I live in limbo. During my father's illness my husband became a heroin addict and hid it from me until I found his stash, shortly after my father died. It hurts so bad to know he was deceiving me all the time, I needed him most. He is in recovery now, and I am glad for that. However its very hard for me to let go of the feelings of betrayal I still experience.
About my Loss:
Christmas day will mark 6months since my Daddy passed away, after a very long and agonizing illness. I lived with my parents 3-5 days a week to help care for my father for the entirety of his illness . He had a very rare disease called Amyloidosis. It slowly turned his heart tissue into protein. He was on hospice and confined to a bed for over 18months before he died. Watching my Daddy waste away to a skeleton, was the hardest thing I have ever had to experience in my life. In my Dad's final days he looked so terrible,like something you would see in a horror movie. I would give anything to take that image out of my mind. He developed dementia during his illness. Often times when my mom and I were trying to dress him or make his bed, we had to roll him back and forth in the bed to accomplish anything because he was practically paralyzed. During those times he would get this child like look of terror in his eyes. About 6 weeks before he died he suddenly became more lucid than he had been in his entire illness. He constantly cried and begged my mom and I to help him because he didn't want to die. I believe this will haunt me for the rest of my life. In the months since he died I don't feel like I have moved even one step toward acceptance or healing. The pain is as raw now as it was the day he died. I cry everyday and have withdrawn from everything and everyone. I spend most days sitting in my dark bedroom watching TV. Even the smallest errand feels impossible. I have the worst anxiety I have ever had in my life on a daily basis. I go as long as 3 days without sleeping, and even eating feels like a huge chore. Nothing tastes the same, and nothing feels the same. When I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking at a stranger. Just an empty shell of who I used to be. If all of that isn't enough to deal with...This rare disease my father died of is hereditary and as his daughter I have a 50/50 chance of developing the same illness.

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Hannah joined Laura Rozier's group
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Losing Someone to Drug Overdose

If you've lost someone you loved due to them overdosing on drugs, let's talk about it here.See More
Jul 21
28 Comments
Hannah posted a discussion

Does anyone else feel pressure to always reply because you're afraid it'll be the last conversation?

Hi everyone. This is my first post here.I lost my brother in December 2024 to an accidental overdose. He passed away suddenly in his sleep. We were only a year and a half apart in age, and he was the closest person I've ever had.One thing I've been struggling with ever since is that I feel an overwhelming pressure to reply to texts and answer calls as soon as I can. If someone messages me and I don't respond right away, my mind starts thinking, "What if something happens to them before I reply?…See More
Jul 21
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Jul 21
Willy replied to Rosa Guzmán's discussion Grandma sewing room
"Hi Rosa, First, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Losing someone you love only two days ago is incredibly painful, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling unsure about what to do right now. Personally, I don’t…"
Jul 5
Willy updated their profile
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Willy posted a status
"If you’ve lost someone you love, what is one memory of them that still makes you smile?Today I’m remembering my wife and would love to hear"
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