Anita - I'm so sorry for your loss my love - losing a child is just so painful and we all find ourselves at a loss for words to express that pain which is like no other.
I hope that here you will find some comfort in the understanding and compassion of other bereaved parents who know. The journey you are finding yourself taking is a long and arduous one but one which we are making together. One step at a time. When you are ready please feel comfortable to write what ever you like - we understand and we will try to help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings. Sending you hugs xxxx