Andrea,

No one can possibly imagine the devastation of having to live being the one left behind.  Not until it happens to them.  

I am at four years and almost six months and I too feel stuck.  Its like all I am doing is functioning to make enough money to pay bills.  Mind you that is not much different than life before my husband died but at least then I had a reason to get up and be motivated.  Now I find myself questioning more and more, why?  

In the beginning I fantasized about suicide because I was so desperate. Now i think about it because I realize this is my life.  Reality check.  Do I have the guts to do it? No, at least not yet but I don't think I can absolutely rule it out. The breakdowns I have now are so much more debilitating.  In the beginning I was in such a fog when I cried I would literally fall asleep.  Now, when I cry my brain is trying to figure out why this grief keeps blindsiding me.  I am exhausted from it all.  I am doing more and hating every moment.  

I have such brief times of feeling just  little bit of relief thinking that maybe I have a bit more control and then I just slide backwards and realize that this is the way I am always going to feel so what's the point? 

I wish i had enough energy to write to everyone who comes on this site and other sites I visit but I just don't.  It's everything i can do most days to simply get to the end of a day.  Working like a maniac to keep myself distracted and without fail I'll hit a trigger and boom, down I go.

I'm tired..... physically, mentally, emotionally and know my feelings are not abnormal.  I plead with the universe.......let me go........so far no luck.  I feel like you.  No one can really help me except my darling husband and that I know is not going to happen.  Take the best care you can.  Maybe we will get lucky because as time passes I just want this all to end.