Aaron,

Losing a spouse is horrendous.  Those of us who write here have experienced what I never realized was so prevalent before the internet.  The grief.  The pain.  I never could have understood there were this many people out there living life but dying inside day after day if it weren't for these kinds of sites online now.  

Its probably a good thing that you don't want to join him as there are many who don't have that stamina.  I wonder now more often than not why such stigma is attached to suicide when having experienced the kind of pain I have endured from losing my husband seems more understandable when now I have had the same kind of pain someone who commits suicide has.  I have made it this far (four years and 9 months) but the toll it has taken on my body is just a slow death rather than a quick one.  My immune system has ravaged me because I have found it near to impossible to stop remembering him.  And when I remember it pains me to know he is no longer here with me to enjoy life.  I want him back.  I want him beside me.  I don't want to walk alone and I don't want to walk with anyone else.  I want him to come and get me.  I ask him daily to do so. I must be very weak because I cannot get over his death.  I work, I try to sleep I try to eat but bottom line is I have not reconstructed my life other than trying to continue making a living so I can pay my bills.  But joy?  None.  Happiness? No.  Even nature doesn't really bring much more out of me other than an acknowledgment that I need it so I can barely function and avoid hustle, bustle, people and activity.  

Tonight I am on here rambling because I cant even form rational reasonable coherent conversation anymore without just exclaiming over and over how much I hate having to continue this charade.  I'm plain old tired of being an actress.  I want him to come and sweep me off my feet and remove me from this world.  

I can only hope you have a better chance at finding a way to live again. I sure didnt.