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Comment by MarieSte on March 16, 2015 at 6:05pm

M Morgan thank you for your kind words. I respect your wisdom and your grief journey. Yes the Grief road is lifelong. At least you are still as you say "trying valiantly to reconstruct" your life and I hear what you you say- " I want to die" All our journeys are unique so I will never truly understand yours but I can relate to some of the emotions you feel and I will say as you know there are lots of us on this site in similar but not identical situations therefore you're not alone. I believe your lover supports you spiritually but I agree it's so hard without their physical support. My poems only touch on some of the emotions I feel. They help me to express my grief. I also wear a mask to the outside world as others don't understand my grief and why should they as they don't walk in my shoes. I go forward with baby steps-I know I will never get over it but I can't stop time and I can't go back in time. So I'm compelled to move by time. It's like a living nightmare. I don't truly live I float on moments and memories of what I once had. I carry the pain as I know it's a symptom of my love. The love I had for Ste will last forever. I want him to be remembered and he is, in every poem I write, as his name is at the bottom with mine. I just exist each day now and write what I feel-some days the waves of grief overwhelm me like his birthday recently others I can function better. I wish you the best too. Bless you.

Comment by morgan on March 16, 2015 at 1:21pm

You really do write very wise poetic words to stir the heart.

At 8 months I was crippled.  I was unable to look at anything without tears.  And yet my body would not give up.  At 2 years plus 2 months I am still trying valiantly to reconstruct my life but each day I want to die.  Not so much because of the debilitating sorrow of what I lost but now because I recognize what emptiness lies ahead of me without having the support of my lover.  

I may end up each day looking as though I am getting through it all so others think I am better but inside I can't wait to die.  I hate life and cannot bring myself to be positive about it.  I don't even envy those who can find new meaning.  Good for them.  I'm glad others have been able to find a way forward.  For me each moment is still agony, I just don't show it as much as I did before when I would lose control of my emotions.

It's pretty to read your words.  I feel like you are able to reconcile this pain.  It's good.  It helps to see others are dealing with the whys of life.  For me, never.  But for you, I wish you the best.