David,

You seem to have a lot of guilt. I look back and queston if I was the best daughter I could have been to my mother. She was all I had in this world and I lost her to cancer June 26, 2011. At times I would get so angry with her because she was kind of stubborn, set in her ways and rather a hermitt. She smoked like a fiend in the 60's,70's and quit in the 90's. I would beg her to stop and she would say "I love my cigaretts and everyone has to die of something". And in the end after not smoking for 30 years - she got throat cance, emphezema and COPD. I was so angry with her because she did not listen to me. My biggest, darkest fear came true. As a child (I'm 56 now) I would blow out my birthday candles asking for her to quit smoking. Some childhood I had. Worrying about my mother caused to severe colitis at age 12. I never had children because I was so damn tired of worrying. In the end I grew to love her and respect her so much more. She was a fighter. I miss her so much David. All of us have regrets. Did this help? Sue

Hello David,  I'm not quite sure I really understand your comments on my blog.  We all take different journeys in live and see it through a different prism.  You'd have to know my complete very private story to understand when I read comments like "you did what you did "  it's actually an insult.  Or the suggestion that I'd never thought my loved one would die.  Of course you know some day either they will go or you will go and in my case from as early as 4 I was ubber aware that my mother could be taken at any moment given her condition.  Not exactly another great reality for a child who is suppose to be dreaming about being batman and santa claus.  Yes I hold God responsible for the horror we endured at the end of her life.  Faith in God gave her hope through all the decades of physical misery and pain.  Again not knowing a persons complete private journey I will say her death from Cancer has so shocked our entire community there are those who have stopped going to church because they were so sickened by how something who had already been through so much hell had to endure that as well.  On the flip side what you said about God and you almost getting DWI's I can't answer that for you.  Some of your comments didn't really make sense to me and came off almost bitter.  What I would like to say to you and it's something I noticed you didn't include with me... I truly am sorry for your loss.  I know that empty feeling.  However, try hard not to take it out on others. 

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