Rose~welcome.  I lost my husband on December 3, 2010.  I know the feeling.  This is a long, painful and lonely road we travel on.  There are so many unanswered questions, regrets, guilt connected to suicide.  It has to make your loss that much more painful.  My husband died of heart disease ~ waiting for a transplant that didn't come.  I've met some awesome people on this site.  You need supportive people in your life.  We are all going through the same pain.  It's not easy.  We have to take it one step at a time.

Sorry for taking so long to talk to you.  I really miss my mum, who I lost in August,  For the first few months I cried all the time, i felt scared lonely isolated, I wished I could have gone with her.  I felt guilty, like it was all my fault for not being there to save her.  I couldnt go out or do house work. Well as little as possible. I just wanted to hide away.  I still feel guilty, and sad and angry, when i first wake up, but not as bad as the first few months.  My mum bought me a swimming costume and I hold it some times when i am tryn to sleep and before i get out of bed.  And I talk to her, i believe she can hear me.  I feel close to her when i hold the swimming costume she bought me not that long before i lost her.  i am able to go out now with out bursting into tears all the time, although i do sometimes start to cry if i suddenly think of some activity or place i wish she had gone to with me.  But then i remind myself of the thinks we did do and places we did go together, and i feel much better.  I am thinking of you and although i still feel sad alot, it has definately better than it was.  I believe in signs and know my mum has given me signs she is still around for me.  I had a few dreams but very real not like ordinary dreams.  I believe she came to me while i was sleeping to reasure me.  I read about after death experiences and that helps me cope, it really does.  love from marie