George, i lost my only child, he was 27, he died by suicide, 2/1/15. I felt like you about the group sessions, took me awhile to even think about going but one rainy night i decided to go at the last minute. It has helped much more than my one on one counseling. I truly thought I was the only one who could be suffering so, why go and get more depressed. It really is helping me....i see others who are true survivors, others who actually get this pain that we all share in one form or another. No matter who or how, our pain is the same. Inhope you will consider it with an open mind. There is no pressure to talk, no judging, just support. God bless...

George,

Just checking in to see how today is going? The weekends are always so tough for me. Me and Mike would do whatever we felt like on the weekends. We would watch a movie, go for a drive or just spend time together. Now, it is just me and my Mom. My Mom is 78 and not in great health so I do have to take care of her.

Sometimes it is difficult because I can barely take care of myself. I too, play the scenarios in my mind over and over...what if I had chosen a different hospital or different nursing home. What if I had gotten more involved at the rehab. He was supposed to come home to me in about 5 weeks once he was in rehab. His kidneys failed, we think because of a mix of medication he was on.

I had promised him that we would go see his Son in Indiana when he got out.

He was depressed that he had to spend Christmas in the rehab so I promised him that this Christmas would be the best Christmas ever and that we would not put off any of our dreams anymore.

I did get to tell him how much I loved him. I told him he was the best thing that every happened to me. And, that I loved him more than life itself. When I made all of these promises of what we were going to do once he was out, he said, You promise? And, I said, yes I promise.

Now I cannot keep any of those promises. My husband is gone at 45 years old, he had so much life left to live. I'll never understand the meaning of all of this. Here I am at 49 years old, settled into a happy life. We had no children together so it is just me and my mom. The weekends are lonely and the work days are long.

I just miss my best friend. We were all we had. I will love him forever....

Hope you are doing okay today. Just wanted to say hello.

Valerie

George, grief comes in waves which makes it seem like were doing better than all of the sudden it gets worse. At 14 weeks your still early in the grief cycle. Unfortunately I am all too familiar with grief having lost two spouses to cancer. It's only been about six weeks since I lost Cherie. I haven't really had any detachment from the pain yet. I could use a week of detachment from the pain. I was married to my first wife for 32 years and when she died I thought my life was over. But as time passes the pain lessens and life goes on. 

I'm writing these words as much for me as for you. The pain is so great some days I feel that my life is over and I'm just waiting to die. I have to remind myself that I survived before and I can survive again. I remind myself that I have to keep my promise to Cherie to watch over the kids and grandkids. You will get some relief when this wave of grief passes. I hope we can both find a way to move forward with our lives.