Except for a few minor changes you have written my life for last year. My husband had pain(back and hip) for almost a year and it was attributed to arthritis and the work he did. Finally in March, 2014 he was "officially" diagnosed with StageIV Lung Cancer when he couldn't shake what we thought was a bad cold and sinus infection. He was in constant pain at that time. He was admitted to the hospital after a bronchoscopy triggered a reaction. He spent 10 days there get pain management and starting with radiation and chemotherapy immediately for palliative reasons. Once his pain was "in control" I brought him and went on FMLA to take care of him. I was an RN at the time and understood a fair amount of what was happening and how to take care of him. We initially had daily drives to the hospital(25 miles one way). He also lost at least 60 pounds, but not the will to live. He made up a "bucket list" of things he wanted to get done around the house so I wouldn't have to worry about them once he was gone. He used to do everything himself and it killed him that he had to ask his brothers to do for him. God bless his 4 brothers who dropped their lives to help! They, along with my 25 year old son worked for weeks on the projects while my husband watched and cried because he couldn't do much else. The one thing that kept him going was thinking he'd be able to go hunting one last time with our son and his brothers, but that wasn't to be as he died Nov. 6, 2014. His last good wkend included going out to dinner as a family to celebrate our 27th anniversary. Right after that he started having problems breathing. I got oxygen at home but couldn't get the flow high enough to keep him oxygenated. A week later he was dead.

We never really got him pain free during all that time. Long acting Morphine twice a day and additional Morphine between. Plus all the other drugs. He never got any of the "quality" of life they told him would. 

He, too, made arrangements that I would be provided for financially. That I wouldn't have to work unless I wanted to. He'd joked for years I'd be a "rich widow"; I'd always tell him I'd rather have him and be poor.........

So now I'm 60 years old. Retired. Live with my 2 adult children in a home that my husband put blood, sweat and tears into. And I still know I'd rather have him than any amount of money.

I share your pain!

Anita.....Just read your post and wanted to stop by and say hello and I do relate to what you are going through now.  When someone we love has to leave us behind, due to sickness and death, it becomes so unbearable for us.  But we will have our grieving time and then life slowly begins to return to reality and we move forward . It takes the patience of Job too. My hubby passed n the early  morning of April 29 2104 and it still seems like ten years to me. I miss him coming in through the door,  his corny jokes, his smiles his love but would not want him to be back here under all the pain, medicines, confusions and circumstances.   It was so heart breaking and sad to watch as each day a little more of him was fading away from me. Want to say I will be saying a prayer for you and your son and hope the future will bring you a lot more peace and comfort.  I am from Eastern Kentucky, a Coal Miners Daughter, and was taught that one glad day we will all reunite in the Sweet By and By and will never have to say good-bye again.  Hold on and keep posting as you can......

Hi Anita,

I  appreciate you kind words of encouragement. You certainly know what goes on when someone has stage IV cancer. The cruelty of it. That's what I struggle with so much. This awful thing happened to the love of my life. I was powerless to help her. My Mom passed away last year too. Now like you I am still here to go on. I am practically the same age you are. So many years left to go. So much of what I wanted to accomplish in my early adult years I have done. My plans for the latter part of my life. Was with Karla. You are correct when you say. I need to get interested in something. I do have plans to work a lot more this year. I like to work. Accomplishments with my work were always very satisfying to me. I am still grieving horribly.  I have faith in God. I pray constantly that he will show me the right path in the near future. Thanks again for your comment. I think it is great that you also like gardening. My Mother love it too. She would say all the time that people that like flowers were good people.  

Anita

Your post about the holidays, how your husband was diagnosed, being his caretaker, all could have been written by me. Our stories seem so much alike. I too, never even dreamed of being a widow at 58. But here I am, after 38 years with my prince charming, alone. He died on April 1, 2015 and I still miss him so much that it's hard to breathe. Where do I go from here, and who am I without him? Everyone says that it was always Jim and Sara, never just Jim or just Sara. I've loved him since I was 19 years old. My husband fought for 13 months and lost 126lbs. I wouldn't let anyone take care of him but me, and he never gave up, never quit fighting. The ONLY thing good was that I had plenty of time to make sure that I told him everything I felt, how much I loved him, and that I left nothing unsaid. I am blessed that our two kids have been great...but damn, I just miss him.