Tildyc

Female

United States

Profile Information:

About Me:: Like everybody here, I'm here because I've suffered a loss that has left me emotionally and spiritually broken. The amount of pain I'm in cannot be described in words. As many of you already know all too well. For me – the pain never lessons. It just shifts from one aspect to another. Every aspect of my life, no matter what I'm doing – is filled with the loss that I am suffering. There is no escape. No amount of medication or therapy can even scratch the surface. They tell you that and it will get better in time. But here's the thing – just the thought of a future without him in it- makes me want to just disappear. It's paralyzing, lonely, endless and hopeless. I'm sure I sound overly dramatic. Yet- this is truly how I feel.

I've always considered myself a strong person before this. I've gone through a painful divorce, the loss of my dad and unbelievable amount of betrayal and infidelity in a past relationship. But to lose my Mark... That was the blow that knocked me down and out. I just can't see making it back this time.
About my Loss:: My fiancé and soulmate and best friend- died February 4, 2015. It was due to medical negligence... and he had so many more years ahead of him to live and love. His death was scary and traumatic and I was the only one there until it was too late to be able to take medical action. It was a bad decision on the doctor's part and it has left me permanently scarred. I still see the horrific scene in my mind. And its so very very sad. My poor baby. It's burned into my memory.

We had known each other for 9 yrs and were together for five of those yrs. It was the first time in my entire life that I actually felt safe, loved and accepted. When he died – all my hope, faith and happiness died with him.
Are You a Service Provider? If Yes, please tell us about your service.: No

Comment Wall:

George H

I can truly relate to everything you are saying since my wife is fast most of the little things I do or automatic I have no outside support because it was mainly just her and I I was her caregiver right up until she passed never gave it a thought what would happen or what I would do without her and loneliness and emptiness is something that a person who has not lost a loved one can't understand I hear stuff like you have to snap out of it go out and sit outside just things like that and you just want to scream at them Silva leave me I know exactly what you're going through and feel free to write me anytime if you need to talk or anything I don't know anything about this stuff about time healing because it sure doesn't feel that way to me either hope we can talk soon

Mar 26, 2015
George H

Thank you so much we do the same thing sit in the chair with the TV on but nothing fills the emtyness the days and nights just get harder

Mar 27, 2015
Dianne M.

I so get that. I have no clue what to do with his unfinished projects and piles of things everywhere...and his tools and and and........I am overwhelmed.

Mar 31, 2015
Jon-Paul Ackerman

Thank you. I'm glad you can find comfort here. That makes it worth it.

Apr 2, 2015
Trina Mamoon

I would very much like that! Do you come to Fairbanks once in a while?

Apr 11, 2015
leslie-ann smith

Thank u so much tildyc. I really appreciate it. :)

May 1, 2015
Trina Mamoon

Hi Tildyc,

Yes, on several occasions I "saw" Joseph. Not to offend anyone, it's how ghosts are described. After all, the word ghost comes from the German word Geist which means spirit. Joseph's spirit has visited me a few times. He was in full form but also like a vision, not quite see through but like an apparition. It isn't easy to describe the visions. But I did "see" him.

His visits give me the strength to face this horrible emotional turmoil and agony that I am having to live through. Because the one thing in this uncertain world is that death is certain. We don't know when our time will come. But my time will come eventually, whether it's next year or in five or ten. And when I die, I will be reunited with the love of my life. I only keep praying that my time comes sooner. This missing Joseph is unbearable and so, so very painful.

I wish you peace, even if it's for a little bit everyday.

May 24, 2015
Richard G

I know how you feel. I always expect Cherie to be home when I get home. Her empty chair is always such a stark reminder that she is gone. I'm sending you a big hug. I wish all the people here could get together but we would probably cause a flood with all of our tears.

May 27, 2015
Erin

I feel a lot the way you do. I miss my Sean more than I can stand. July 4th was his favorite holiday. I think I will just stay in my corner in my room because I will not be good company for anyone. I only want him back. I don't want to live without him. But that will never happen and that makes me feel so helpless and defeated. What makes me so sad is that I start to realize that I won't ever be with him again. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with that. I still expect him to come home soon. That is easier to deal with. I liked what we had and it was ripped away from me so suddenly and unexpected. I did get to say goodbye or how much I really loved him. With all of this sorrow I have been trying to endure I still have to think of what next? What do I do with me? The past 9-10 years of my life was about him and that made me happy. He took my happiness when he left me. Time stood stil while everyone else is moving on. I am not ready to move on without him. I feel like I am leaving him behind. So I am just standing still. I know I can't be this miserable forever. It is to exhausting. I haven't really come out of this depression yet. It has only been 6 weeks. But gradually I will pick myself up and I think that is what he would want, to live for him. He wasn't ready to go. He had so much life in him. He wouldn't want me to mope around. I need to think of how he lived and the way his life impacted me for the better. I know this will take awhile but with baby steps I want to do something good in his honor. Maybe volunteer or help someone. I think this would be good for our souls. Then maybe little by little I can have a conversation with someone without crying so much. We only have 1 chance with this life and I know our loved ones would want us to make the best of it. So when ever you are ready try to do something that maybe you always wanted to do but put it on the back burner for lack of time or money. It doesn't have to be big just something that will take your mind off of your grief and will make you feel a little better. I hope this will help because believe me I am right with you on how hard this is.
The only thing I would never consider is suicide because I think that is very selfish and I have my son to think about. I would never want him to be sad like this. I think Sean would be really disappointed with me. He didn't get to choose to live or die but I do have that choice and he would want me to live.
Take care of youself

Jun 30, 2015
Rj

I feel the same way...i just want to be set free of this snguish. I lost my only son,27 on feb 5. I feel ill at every turn, every day.

Jul 6, 2015
Rj

Thank you for your note and Oh my dear yes, it is pure suffering trying to function every day. Getting up, dressed and to work. Everything is a disaster all around. I just throw something on now, if it matches okay, if not, okay too. Im not sure how to survive this hell....every day, why isn't time helping??!

Jul 8, 2015
Rj

Your mark was like my larry, different type of relationship of course, your fiance, my son of 27 years. But i lived for him, he was my happiness as mark was yours. I have no other children and am divorced. our hearts are shattered just the same, our pain, the same, the lonliness and wondering if we will survive this...for me wondering if i even want to

Jul 8, 2015
Angela

Tom and I picked out Chloe at the local shelter in 2002. She has been the best dog and companion ever. She seems to be doing ok with her medications but I hope she is not suffering too much.

I miss my husband sooooo much. I often still cannot accept he is gone. I still anticipate him walking in the door, texting or calling. Then I am so crushed that it's not happening.

It's so not fair.

Aug 26, 2015