Sunflower, I am so sorry for your loss. Our experiences are similar...I lost my husband of 25 years to the FLU 29 Jan 2014. I had no family for support and since we had recently moved to this new town I had no nearby friends to turn to. I was utterly, totally alone. I had to seek out my own support system. I went to the library and brought home every book on grief I could find. I had a compassionate social services counselor who kept tabs on me and referred me to a bereavement center. This center was a life saver for me, for at the time I just wanted to curl up and die myself. I met other widows, recent and long term, and since then we have bonded into a sisterhood supporting each other. The journey you are now on is one no one wants to take, but you must move forward. You will not always feel as crappy as you do now....yes, I didn't believe that at first, either. You must discover the new You. I came to this online grief support community and found strength to go on. I hope we can do the same for you. I'm a year and four months into my widowhood, I've changed and grown. I feel better now about my life and future, so much that my bereavement counselor has asked me to write a blog for widows. I want to help others deal with this profound pain. We are all here for each other. I wish you Peace in your heart. **hugs**

Dear Sunflower, yes I know that pain of lonliness all too well. It's like and actual pain, and it cuts through the body like a knife. Good you are seeing a counselor, but unless that counselor has actually been through the same type of loss they can be less than helpful. Seek out a support group of people who have also been through the same nightmare. Misery does love company, and my group has made me feel less alone. There are no timetables to grief....everyone grieves in their own personal way and in their own time. I never felt Alan's presence until after the one-year anniversary...I was desperate to know where he was and if he was okay. I was a complete basket case for eight months before I could see a glimmer of hope. Don't give up on yourself, and try to be kind to yourself. Honor the memories of your lost ones by living your best life. Take care of those kitties...they need you. A few weeks after Alan died I adopted a rescue kitten, and he has grown into a loving companion. On New Years Eve, our first wedding anniversary apart, I brought into my home a rescue Chihuahua, to give me something to celebrate instead of that day only being a reminder of loss. he is now light and love for me every day. If you have any questions I'm glad to help if I can...or if you just want to vent and get out some of that pain here that's okay too. Things will get better. Last year my birthday, May 22, I was miserable. This Friday is my birthday....and I'm going to Disneyland with one of my new friends. There is still life and hope for you, too. I'm here if you need me. <3

Sunflower, I'm glad you liked the poem. Thank you for your kind words. I know today will be particularly hard for you so my thoughts are with you. 

My gran and granddad raised me as a child. My granddad died first, then my gran in 2012. Although it was hard nothing has compared to losing my soulmate Ste. It will be a year in July for me. I take one moment at a time now. I write poems and articles to express my grief and submit them to the Grief Toolbox . They have a website and sometimes share them on their Facebook page. I didn't write before Ste died but now he's the ink in my pen.Bless you on your journey.

Alan and I had such a good life...we were crazy about each other for 27 years. The music of Jimmy Buffett was the background music of our lives. After he passed I could not bear to listen RadioMargaritaville or any of the dozens of Buffett CD's. It just tore fresh holes in my heart. After the one-year of his passing, I finally began to listen to this music again. It doesn't hurt like it used to. I remember us singing along with every song, and I remember special lyrics we made up together. Someday you will look at your husband's pictures with love and fond memories. I still have not emptied Alan's bureau drawers....still I can't bear to see his socks and underwear and workout clothes. This grief is a weird process. Setbacks are natural, especially the first few months. The books I read all said that when you have a grief burst to just let it come....cry hard and let those feelings wash over you. This expression of intense grief is the last, greatest way to express our love for those lost. If we didn't love them so much it wouldn't hurt so much. Let it go and when it's done you may feel yourself feeling exhausted but a little better. Ups and downs are natural, don't let it discourage you. His love for you will always live in your heart...cherish that. It will never leave you. <3 <3 <3