Semary,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My spouse also died from a heart attack. It has been 19 months since My Love died and grocery shopping is still very hard. I'm a vegetarian and my Jackie was not, so when I go shopping now it is hard to pass through the meat section or snack aisle. I don't even watch the same tv shows that Jackie and I used to watch together. I occasionally cry when I'm in the grocery store, but at least now I can stay in the store (and not have to leave crying). Your loss is so new and I pray that you take care of yourself and your precious babies. I believe that you will be reunited with your husband, but in the meantime, he is watching over you.

Tammy

Semary,

My Jack and I said Good Morning and I got in the shower. It was a work day for me. When I got out of the shower, Jackie was sitting in her recliner, bent over, using her nebulizer. I immediately knew that it wasn't just an asthma attack. I ran to her and told her to hold on and that I was going to call 911. At that moment, she dropped her nebulizer and fell back in her chair. I started screaming and tried to put the nebulizer back in her mouth, but her jaw was locked. I kept screaming for her to "Breathe! Baby, please breathe!" I managed to call 911 and the operator got my information, despite my hysteria. My neighbors heard my screams (through closed doors and windows) and EMS arrived fairly quickly. Although they worked on Jack for what seemed like forever, they told me they had a pulse and put her in the ambulance. Once we got to the ER, they were doing chest compressions and they worked on her some more in the trauma center. I sat just outside of the room with two friends (and neighbors) and tried to bargain with God to give us another chance...more time. Although the curtain was pulled around the table and I couldn't see Jackie, I could see one young doctor marking time. I knew he was marking how long she had been "down." Finally they told me that they could not revive her. Semary, a part of me knew that Jackie died in her recliner and when her jaw locked, it was almost like God said "Enough...we're done." It was such a traumatic experience and I'm in pain everyday. I just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Tammy

Semary I very much appreciate your kind words. I am very sorry for your loss. It must be awful for you considering that I it happened so recently. Know that I'm always here if you need to talk as well. I would be happy to give you my e-mail and IM screen names. May God bless you and your children. It is funny how when we lose a love we learn that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, or should I say stronger than we ever wanted to be.

Erin