Kirstine, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mom. While I still have my mother (I am 54) my 33 year old daughter died on May 25, 2009 as the result of a 4 wheeler accident. She was my only child and had no children. It sounds like you and your mom had a wonderful relationship...cherish those feelings, thoughts and memories and know she lives on in you and your children. I know these are just words but as time passes this is what will get you through each day. My daughter and I talked everyday, several times a day...she lived in Alaska, me in Texas. I can still hear her voice and the sound of her laugh. Time does not heal this type of wound it just teaches us how to cope with it on a daily basis. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers.
Laura

Thank you. You and I are on the opposite side of these nightmares. I am the 32 year old daughter missing my mom and you are the 54 year old mom missing your 33 year old daughter. There is nothing like a mother/daughter bond, is there? We were best friends and I wonder how I will go on w/out her in my life. She was everything to me. I love my husband, but I counted on my mom for so much. I just lay around crying and holding things that smell like her asking myself why I had to lose my mom at such a young age. I am so sorry about your daughter. Maybe we can help one another. Thanks for replying. My mom's name was Elaine. What was your daughter's?

My daughter's name is Angela. And yes, there is absolutely nothing like the mother/daughter bond. Like you, I love my husband (her stepfather), but I am just so lost without her. She kept me young and invigorated. She kept me grounded. She gave me purpose...I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I have no other children and no grandchildren. I have stored some of her clothes in a large ziplock bag and when I need to feel her near me I unzip the bag and inhale...
Helping each other sounds nice...let me know how I might help you.
Sincerely, Laura

Well my middle name is Angela :-) I have ziplocked things too b/c I know the smell will fade. We brought all of her clothes home last Saturday (she passed away on Friday), my step dad didn't want to keep her clothes so it worked out for me. When my husband brought all of her things in, I just laid down on all of her stuff and hugged it and cried and cried. It was like I was getting to hold her. My husband decided to give up his closet and we have a closet just for her stuff now, so I can go in anytime and the minute I open that door, I smell her and her sweet scent. I have 9 voice mails saved and torture myself by listening to them. I smell her, I can hear her, but she is not here :(

ps-my mom's favorite verse in the bible was about being rooted and grounded...reminded me of what you said about your daughter! I don't know what I am supposed to do now either. How do I raise my kids w/out her advice? Who do I call when I need that sound wise advice? I heard a song today that comforted me, maybe it will comfort you....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

What a beautiful song...thank you. You are blessed with a good, kind hearted husband. And talking about scents--a few months ago I bought a new washer and dryer and changed detergents. My laundry area is a very small confined space and as the washer started going the scent of the detergent was released. My heart stopped for a split second and I started to cry. I felt like I was standing in my daughter's laundry room. You are fortunate to have recordings of your mom's voice...I have none of my daughter's. Two weeks before her accident she called me (and left a voice message) to say she would be out of cell phone range and for me not to worry if she did not pick up (she lived in Alaska, me in Texas). She rarely left messages because I always picked up the phone. After I listened to the message I thought to myself "I should save it because I have no recording of her voice". I then told myself to quit being so morbid and I erased it. I have never told anyone about this...
Your birthday isn't in May is it?
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my messages.
Laura

I love the laundry room story. I am so glad you got that special time!! I started saving her messages back in July, I don't know why, my gut told me she was going to make it (I guess I just couldn't believe the stats), but another part of me said to save them. I am torturing myself with listening to them over and over again. She was everything to me...she walked me down the aisle on my wedding day and held my hand through the birth of both of my kids. She so badly wanted to be a grandmother to my kids and now they won't remember her except for what I tell them about her. I asked her to come to me in my dreams and tell me she was ok if she could, I am waiting for that. My bday is Dec.

I just looked at all the photos you uploaded and they are ALL beautiful! I love the one at the lighthouse...so wonderfully classic. The love you and your mom share is so evident in your photos. Let me tell you this...everything having to do with your mom will feel like torture for a while. There are times I look at my daughter's photos or go to her facebook page and I just want to scream and beat my head against a wall. Some days are almost tranquil and others are just sheer hell. I don't tell you this to scare you but to let you know it is pretty much the norm. And when you least expect it she will communicate with you; my daughter sent me a message 10 days after her death. It was a bittersweet moment.
Belated bday wishes.
Take care, Kirstine.
Laura

Oh wow! That is what I keep waiting for...to hear from her. I had a BAD nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was sleeping and my husband woke me up and said my mom was on the phone, I looked at him and said stop being funny, my mom died and he said what are you talking about, you were having a bad dream, she's on the phone. For a brief second I had that feeling of sheer happiness that I had in my old life..I jumped out of bed in excitement and grabbed the phone and was crying and screaming "Mom," and no one was on the other end of the line. So I hung up and called back, my step dad answered and I asked for her and he said "Kirstine, you know she's dead". so hard. I miss her so much!

I am so sorry for the nightmare. To be honest I have had no nightmares since my daughter's death and I had no dreams (that I could recall) for about 3 months. I can tell you I have only had 3 dreams with my daughter in them. Are you taking anything to help you sleep? Any medication has the potential for interfering with sleep...even something you have been on for a while. It is the increased stress that can change the mechanism of a medication. Since her death I sleep just fine...it's the waking hours that are a nightmare for me.

Yes, I have been on Cymbalta for about a month now. I went to the doc when my mom became bedridden and after answering questions, she said I was clinically depressed. Go figure, huh? You think! No circumstances that would cause that, huh? Oh geez. I just don't know sometimes. Today has been ok, but the grief has kinda come in waves. How did you find out about your daughter? I can't imagine getting that call, bless your heart. Was she riding alone? My mom was the gutsy one of us two, I am scared of any and every kind of ride except for plane, car or cruise ship!

I know what you mean about the depression...so far I have made my primary care physician cry, my behavioural therapist, and brought tears to the eyes of my psychiatrist. When my primary care was not available I went to see another doctor and made her cry too. Just telling them why I was there is so hard and I could not do it without breaking down. Angela was adventurous but not a risk taker; her husband is an adrenaline junkie...fast cars, motorcycles, etc. They lived in Alaska, me in Texas. I can remember telling him face to face that I held him responsible for my daughter on his f****** toys!! It was on Memorial Day last year and I was outside watering the yard, my cell phone inside. When I came in I checked the caller ID and HIS name and number were there. He NEVER called me before. I was stunned, shocked, hysterical...it was a 4 wheeler she was on, she swerved (they don't know why), she flew over the handles and came down on the back of her head. Blunt force trauma to the head was the cause of death. She was not wearing a helmet and she ALWAYS promised me she would wear one. To this day I don't know what really happened as the investigation by the Alaska Troopers was very sloppy and incomplete.
If you have a myspace account I can add you as a friend so that you may read my blog.

hi kristine, i was looking at your pictures, there beautiful, you and your mom looked very happy together and im sure she is right there with you and your children, i know you are sad and missing her badly, knowing how bad it is i hope you find comfort soon the griefing is a very hard thing to do, but i guess it is part of the learning experince in life, i keep going back to where doug had wreck, i feel like there is something there i dont know what. but oh how i miss him love him, i want to talk to him so bad and let him know, i hope as everyone tells me he is right here with me. i will get the book shack, i have been reading alot all kind of books trying to fing peace and help sometimes i do for awhile,i was thinking of you so ill talk to you later,my prayers are with you hugs paula

Oh Laura, I am so sorry. I am sure she just didn't think that day that anything would happen. At our age, I think sometimes we think we are invincible! Lucky for me, I am a scaredy cat. You saw that pic of my mom and I at the lighthouse, she climbed to the top of it, I was too scared! :) Total chicken! My husband tried to get me to ride a 4 wheeler at his grandmother's farm and I was crying the minute he started the engine. It is good that she enjoyed life though and had fun, I think sometimes I am a little paranoid and miss out on fun things. I won't ride roller coasters or anything! I haven't been back to my doctor since my mom died, but my doc knew that she was dyeing. I am here at her house today and promised I wouldn't cry, didn't want to upset my step dad and sure enough laid on her side of the bed and boo-hooed. I know she isn't in pain anymore, but I even miss changing her diapers b/c at least she was still here then!! Paula, let me know what you think about the Shack! I think it would be good for you and Laura to read. It is a really awesome book. Boring for the first 40 pages, but then really takes off and makes us realize that God was with our loved ones all the time, he never left their side for a moment! I want to talk to my mom really bad too and its only been a week! I know she gave me the tools and wisdom to go on in life, but I just miss hugging her and being with her. I am sure your son is right there with you and is looking down on you from Heaven, just because they are gone doesn't mean than anything has changed other than we can't see them or talk to them, the love never changes and he was part of you and you were part of him. It is great talking to both of you although we are on the opposite side of things, I can tell you if the roles were reversed I bet they would be just like me and missing you all. Its just plain stinks! But we have to remember God's promise that we will see them again and won't ever have to part when that time comes!

You know, Kirstine, crying is a good thing...it washes away some of the hurt and leaves a fine layer of tranquility. It may not last for long but I'll take anything I can get right now. Angela did live her life in an adventurous, high spirited manner but she was blessed with common sense and compassion. I don't blame her...or anyone else for that matter. We, as parents, just don't expect to outlive our children. You are so blessed to have been able to take care of your mom when she needed you most. And you are right, the love I have for Angela has not changed and I talk to her on a daily basis. What hurts is the emptiness my arms feel knowing they will never hold this wonderful child again. Your mom's wisdom is very evident in the words you write...she is smiling down on you, so proud of how you are helping me, a mother who has lost her child!

It makes you wonder if they met up in Heaven and said to the Lord, please let my mom and my daughter meet b/c they need someone to talk to to comfort each other :) I can see my mom running around up in heaven meeting friends and talking to everyone about how great the Lord is and I can tell from what you have told me about your daughter, that my mom would love her. My mom was also high spirited and full of compassion. I too just feel the emptiness of not being able to hold my mom or lay my head on her chest. You are helping me too! I went to the cemetary today and now its just a muddy patch.flowers were gone. headstone will take 6wks. I put some new flowers out. Just sad! :(

its just so shocking..... especially when you thought you'd grow old with themmm..i always pictured us two old ladies best friends and mother and daughter....and that up and down is the WORST...i used to be a very stable person... =(

and my mom was very healthy up until her diagnosis also.....she was 53....crazy.......so confusing..and noone our age can identify...

my mom used to say "if he brought you to it, he'll bring you through it".......

oh and i emailed you my email address... =)

I'm so sorry for your loss and I can definately identify. I love the pics you have posted of the two of you. I know that the pain of not having your mom and best friend by your side cuts to the bone. I hope that you find healing in the mist of your grieving and know that you will one day see her again, not in pain, but in peace!

Hi this is tina thankyou for replying back to me. Im also very sorry about your lose. I would give anything for my ma to be here but i knlw she s in a better place now. i look forward to being your freind..we can help each other through our lose. Sincereky< Tina

oops i mispelled some words lol

Dear Kirstine,
That must have been one horrific month, at my Hospice Widows grief support group there were many who mentioned that their spouses died in January and one older man said he lost his loving wife on the same day as I lost my husband, January 22 2010 and every time he attends the meeting he bursts into tears. (I know how he feels) Another woman from another online grief support group said her husband died on January 22, 2010. Very strange. God bless.

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Mom. My husband passed away 7 weeks and 2 days ago and it has been very very difficult for me to accept. I am blessed to have a special mother/daughter relationship with my mom because without her there is no way I would be here right now. They say time helps heal. I try taking small steps every day. Today started off terribly for me. I felt physically ill and was crying for awhile before I was eventually able to calm down. As the day went on, I felt a bit better. It's a terrible thing that people have to experience, unfortunately. But, there is no choice. We either try to accept what has happened and try to move forward with our lives or we stay stuck. Most of the time I feel stuck but maybe it will get better, who knows. I don't have any answers because there are so many things in life that I can't comprehend.

Thank you. My husband was 66, not a typical 66 year old. He was very active and very healthy prior to him getting sick a year ago. We had a wonderful life and wonderful times together. He was my best friend and soul mate. I miss him every second of every single day. I feel completely lost without him. It's terrible. I am taking things day by day because that's all I can do. Today is a very off day.

I will definitely look for the book, thank you. I just starting reading magazines again. I was having a hard time focusing the last several months. One day at a time...Small steps as my mom says. I joined a support group and I think I will continue going because it seems to be helpful for the time that I am there. What can I say? It's very difficult. I used to believe that things happen for a reason, but now I honestly don't believe that anymore. All of my beliefs are out the window at this time because nothing makes sense.

My mom is is a better place. That is the only way I got throught the pat ten years. She was the one who taught me so much not to fear death. I know she totally wanted to go home to the lord. But no it hasn't been easy at all these past 10 years.
Now she is with my dad and she is doing the polkae with him. That is the picture I want to have of mom not the cancer.

Hi Kirstine.
I am not from England. I live in the U.S. My condolences for your loss. I understand when you say you're happy, yet in so much pain. I'd love to get to know you. Maybe we get help each other through the grief.

I love the pictures of your mom! I am missing my mom, too. Life is so different without mom! The only comfort I have is knowing that I will see her again one day. Take care, Beth