Monica Pace

Female

Seattle, WA

United States

Profile Information:

About Me:: I am a 50 year old woman, but I still feel the same as I did as a 25 year old! I have raised three wonderful sons, who are now 26, 23, and 21 years old. I recently adopted two kittens, maybe to fill the void, and they have been a godsend! First time cat person.
I guess there's a lot more to say, but I feel kind of weird writing all about ME. I was married for many years to my boy's father but we have been apart for 13 years. He is Italian, from Italy, and lives over there. I never dated in all of those 13 years, I just devoted myself to raising my kids. But on New Years Eve of 2007 I "accidently" met Damon at the gym! I certainly wasn't looking for it, but it was pretty much love at first sight and I never looked back! He brought 2 years and 2 months of pure joy to my life.
About my Loss:: I lost the love of my life, Damon, on February 13th, to a brain aneurysm. Very sudden and right in my arms. He lasted two days in a coma, but there was no hope. He took his last breath in my arms as well. I am devastated. He was very healthy and had no symptoms. We had been together for a little over two years, we lived together and he was the best thing that every happened to me. I have a lot of family support, but nobody who has experienced such a loss. I need to connect with others who HAVE, people who GET it.

Comment Wall:

Shelly

Thank u for the kind words...No we as parents should not have to bury our children..Losing a child is always a big fear no matter who u are! I never thought I would lose one of mine..everyday i just pray for Serenity and more Faith to endure
May God Bless and Keep You In your Time of need!

May 1, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica thanks for responding. I loved seeing the pictures you posted and can see the love you had for one another. The smile on your face tells the story. I watched Larry king last night talking about Bret Michaels and although I'm happy he's making a good recovery it makes recovering from this seem easier than it is. I go over and over what else I could have done and wonder if he had a bleed for several weeks. There was no sign, he had a stress test and several other tests 2 weeks before this happened. Did Damon have any symptoms or high blood pressure? I go over it every day. Three days before this happened we were planning on going to FL to look for a house to start our lives. I'll be 50 next month and had the rest of my life planned with him..now nothing.I fell so empty as you do. I fell gray inside like I'll never be happy again. I hope to talk to you again and wish you peace. I'll be praying for you. XOXO

May 7, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, It's Kathy, my mistake. I wish I could get past the what if's.I keep going back there just when I think I've exhausted it. Don was so was also the vision of health,fit and handsome working out several x's per wk. I miss him every minute of the day and am grateful for all the fun we had together.I have many wonderful memories of our time together that I will always cherish as you do yours. When you love someone so much and suddenly their gone it's like the lights suddenly went off. I don't seem to care about anything anymore liked you described. I try to keep upbeat for my kids but thats about it.Sounds like your as heart broken as I am. I'm staying busy doing home repairs so I can sleep somewhat at night. You're right about the marriage it dosen't make the love greater.I did go to counciling which helped a bit. Hope you're getting through the night peacefully.
XOXO

May 7, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, Hope you had a nice Mother's day. My kids were here as was my 91 yr old mother. She was in hospital for a few days and will be staying with me for a while. Nice your friend came over to share stories. I'm sure you have many wonderful memories to share.Don's 3 kids called me Sun we talk often sharing stories or when we're having a bad day. We lived seperate waiting until my kids were off to college. Life lesson ..don't wait we never know how much time we all have. We were together 3 days a week doing everything together. We talked on the phone 3-4 hrs per day seems like a lot but we always had things to say to one another.We had deep intimate conversations about things that mattered. I miss that so much. We were very affectionate always holding hands or curling up together.What is helping me at this moment is focusing on being grateful not regretful. I remind myself of this several times per day.I talked to a lady that lost her husband suddenly she is now remarried after 2 yrs she said it's different and will never be the same but she is able to go on and enjoy her time that she has left. People tell me I'm doing good and how strong I am but they don't see the flood of emotions that come at unexpected times. A memory will surface and take over my emotions I just go with it. I am a very positive person also that helps me get up everyday and look to the future whatever that might be.Wish you a good day. XOXO Kathy

May 11, 2010
Marie

Sounds like you have great sons it's nice they were there to care for you a bit. Funny, Don was a great music lover of 50's and 60's music the same as you, brings back many memories and tears. I have a box of cassette tapes (dinosaurs I know) in my back seat. I ask him what song he's going to play for me today and reach back to grab the first that I touch then pop it in. Sounds silly but it's my way of communicating with him.
It's nice my mom is here but a lot of work for her care with doctor appts and medication but I'm not complaining, it's my choice. I'm getting ready to start a new job soon so very busy trying to catch up before next Mon. Not looking forward to it at this time.
Don was my best friend and like girlfriends as well. We talked nonstop about everything or just silly jokes something we both had in common. People would roll their eyes and say "You Two". And you're right I have many friends that didn't spend as much time together as we did.Everything we did for those 3-4 days it was together. The only thing I regret is I didn't get to say I love you one last time but I did over and over in the hospital and I know he heard me and that he was there that first day.
Have a good night and talk soon. XOXO

May 11, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, Yes you're right he did and does know how much I loved him. Music brings a wealth of memories as we both know. I turned a new leaf, focusing on being thankful for all I have and had. Trying to start each new day as a gift and setting aside time to reflect and appreciate all those I value. Last night I lost most of the guilt..guilt for being alive, not being able to stop his death. Trying to come to terms with him not ever being in my life again.
How have you been doing? Hope all is well and you're staying positive.
Have a good day

May 14, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, I hope you had a nice visit with your friend and a nice birthday celebration with your son. There is always a piece missing though isn't there? That's what I've been finding out. I can't believe it's only been 2 mo since I last held his hand it seems like forever. My heart aches for him every moment of every day. All the spark is still out of everything I do. I wish I could run off with no responsibilities for a few yrs to grive and clear my head.
I started a new job Mon feeling very unsure of myself and all my decisions. I'm not at all like that usually in charge kind of person, friends always calling for advice..not now, I have nothing left for the time being. I'm a "half full" kind of girl but can't seem to get it back yet. I realize it takes time but it's got me wondering if I'll ever feel the same.
I'm looking forward to the summer . How about you? Any plans? Did you get through this week OK?

Take care, prayers to you. XO

May 19, 2010
Marie

Hello, I went to FL to visit my girlfriend same thing happened. She was having some issues, I had a difficult time, wanting to say the same thing you were thinking, he's alive , he loves you, he is here to cuddle with everyday. ..but I didn't. It's dfferent how we view things these days isn't it. Sometimes I feel selfish thinking this way but we now know what matters. Don's son and granddaughter are visiting this weekend so looking forwaard to it. His 3 grown kids and I have remained very close even though they live 3 and 5 hrs away. We see each other when we can and talk often.
Glad you enjoyed your friends company. We need all the comfort we can get.
I do want to put up pictures as soon as I get them organized and do some downloading. I enjoyed looking at the new ones you've posted. So sad..I'm so sorry for you. I didn't even know what grief was before this.. I'm glad to hear your making plans, good sign. Have a good night, talk soon. XOXO

May 20, 2010
rodan99

Sorry to be just getting back to you, missed your comment. Thanks for your kind words and I'm so sorry for your loss. Its true that everyone tells me "to give time the time that time needs" But like you I feel I won't make it and I keep having to tell myself that Rob would want me to be well and learn to live again. Problem is that he made my life worth living because he was kind, thoughtful and always happy. I mean he was that guy, you know the one that looked at the bright side of life. I'm seeing someone weekly and hope to join a group seesion in June. I hope you're getting help if you want it and the pictures you have up here reaaly show the love you Damon hve for eachother. BTW my name is Dan Ortega, small world isn't it?
Hope to hear from you soon and that today was a better day for you.
Best,
Dan

May 25, 2010
rodan99

Thank you for your kind words Monica. It's strange but knowing others miss similar moments with their loved ones brings some kind of relief or something. I don't know what I'm talking about but knowing you can relate to what I'm going through makes me feel like I'm not alone a little bit. You guys were madly in love and the way he would bring you a cup of coffee is so wonderful. I'm not really a morning person but Rob was always bright and cheery so waking up with him was a joy and sometimes he would make breakfast and all I had to do was sit and enjoy it with him. I take it one day at a time and gear myself up for bed time so it doesn't hurt but as you well know its not easy. Thank you for your thoughts on taking Rob's urn to Maui for a wedding we had planned to attend. I wasn't sure if I was being a freak by taking him with me. I hope today was a better day and look forward to staying in touch.
best,
Dan

May 26, 2010
rodan99

Hi Monica,
No worries, I'm glad that your visiting your parents, mine are coming to LA next weekend and we're having a B-day party for Rob as his birthday is June 8th. Another thing that may be wierd but we are having it at the cemetary where his remains are inturned. they're setting up a tent, tables and cxhairs and were having food and wine and expect 20 people or so. Hope you are well and look forward to hearing from you when you return.
best,
Dan

May 29, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, I hope you're getting through this holiday weekend OK. I'm having a difficult time We used to have a big celebration with all of our kids at the lake celebrating the begining of summer, boating, grilling and just being together. I still have moments when it's hard to believe any of this ever happened. How could such a strong, much loved, beautiful man suddenly be gone in a moment?? Sometimes it feels like years since I'd last seen him.It's also strange what triggers memories. I sometimes still find myself thinking he's still here and I've got something to tell him and can't wait to hear what he thinks about it. I so miss the deep conversations we had daily. I read you should write a letter, put it in a balloon and send it straight up to heaven for them to read. Maybe I'll give it a try.
My kids and I are going to an amusement park Memorial Day that should keep me busy.
Hope your doing well, talk soon. XOXO

May 30, 2010
Marie

Hi Monica, I'm so sorry to hear your pain. I'm right there with you as far as the unbearable moments and not sure what to do next. I feel the same wanting a change. I have a new job but I to would like to go back to school, to do something a lttle more fulfilling. It's tough to have to make these decisions on our own when the person we trusted to have our best interest at heart is no longer with us to help us help us and give us encourgement. I'm here for you, take yout time, way out the odds and go for it.
I went to a graduation party last night felt so alone going by myself my kids were there but they can only fill a certain need not the soul mate I miss so much to share all my thoughts with. I'm going to send a private message to you with my number.
Even though it was painful for you at the lake I'm sure it was also good to have some private greiving time alone with your thoughts. Hang in there! XOXO

Jun 6, 2010