Hi rodan99,
I am so so sorry for your loss. 30 years together? That is wonderful and amazing, but even harder to lose that. I lost my wonderful partner the day before Valentine's Day. He also collapsed right in my arms, of a brain aneurysm. A very vital, healthy 50 year old man who took great care of himself and had no symptoms whatsoever. He lasted two days in a coma, then took his last breath, also in my arms. Hardest, most painful thing I have ever been through by far. I am devastated and sometimes feel like I will NEVER recover. And my partner and I were only together for a little over two years. It was love at first sight (I had been married many years to a man I never loved, just didn't realize that) and Damon and I found a soulmate in each other. But had I been with him for 30 years? I might have curled up in a ball and died myself. I can't imagine grief any worse than mine, but I sure feel for you.
Grief is exhausting, draining and just damn horrible. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, tells me that time will make us better, so I'm thinking maybe they know something we don't know. I have to have faith that they are right. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and think about how your partner would want you to feel. Wouldn't he want you to heal and be a happy person again?
Take care and I hope you find some peace. Monica

Hi Dan!
Well, imagine that - Dan Ortega! Probably no relation, huh? He was born and raised near Santa Barbara (Carpinteria) and has a HUGE extended family, so it doesn't hurt to ask! It sure is a small world.
Thanks for getting back to me. Glad you got my comment. I am glad to hear that you are getting help and may join a group in June. I, too, have been looking for a support group, but found that Damon had bad timing.... all the groups are closed to newcomers once they get started. Did you discover that also? I don't get to start one until the fall. But I have met with grief counselors, mostly in the hopes of having all this pain go away. I know there's no way around it, though - we just have to go through it. I am lucky to have lots of wonderful family and friends who are willing to listen. I am sort of isolating myself, but also forcing myself to do things when invited. I hate it, but I do it anyway. Part of the "putting one foot in front of the other" thing. I enjoyed your photos and like you said about my photos with Damon, you can see the love and affection in those pictures. I pray that you are having some good moments, but I know that's asking a lot right now!
Well, I'm off to work. Another thing I hate doing anymore. Take care, Dan!

Rodan,
Going to sleep, waking up, hearing his voice, having his arms around me, and just talking. You and I are missing the same things and I wish I could get on a plane right now and snuggle you up and we could cry in each others arms for what we have lost. You would have to have plenty of tissues and be comfortable with a red eyed monster with a constantly running nose...but one who likes to laugh at the worst things and just not have to be in 'control'. We will talk about our beatiful men, the good things, the funny, the worst things and still love them to bits. I am a few thousand miles away but I am going to hold you tonight . I know, I am not the one you want, but I think you need a hug. Tell me more about Rob when you are ready. XXX