How do people get through the holidays w/ their dad?! :( I dont want this holiday season to happen! :(

@Katie: Wow, your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways.  My dad's been gone 6 months now, but it still hurts almost as fresh as when it happened.  I too watched my strong, solid father whittle away to almost nothing, especially the last week of his battle.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic duct/lung cancer early March and we lost him early June.  It went so fast and the month of May was horrible.  My son shares his middle name with my dad, and I am saddened that he will not remember much of his grandfather, either.  My son just turned 4 right before Dad passed.  I can go a few days now without breaking down, but all it takes is an unexpected glance at a picture or a comment and I'm tearing up.  I so empathize with you.  I hope you find peace as well.  Take it one day at a time, and try to concentrate on good things.  It won't erase the pain but it will soften it.

We face our first Christmas without my dad, and it doesn't seem right.  Christmas songs won't sound the same without him.  I love him very much.

Hi Katie,

It's a difficult question that I can see poses a dilemma for you: Whose needs are more important, yours or your mothers? But I don't think it's a zero-sum problem (someone wins and someone loses). What I've found is that there is a natural resentment when someone takes over the identity of the person who died.

I don't think there is any expectation on the part of your mother that her new husband will be a replacement your father. I've found that people who are grieving the loss of a partner not only grieve for that person's presence, but also the emotions that the person who died created in them. And if those feeling were significant, the grief experienced by that person is debilitating. If you look back on many of the posts here, you might find some similarities to what your mother was experiencing. 

Getting over grief, or just modifying it, is a difficult process and one that needs support. Your mother may have found it with her new husband. It might be helpful to think what it was about your father that caused you to grieve. It isn't important that her new husband doesn't have those characteristics. Your grief and your mother's grief are different. Each of you had a different relationship with your father.

I think your mother may need your support at this time. And possibly you might want to find some ways of re-creating the emotions your father engendered in you--not by looking for them in your mother's new husband, but in other people or activities. Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

Hi Everyone,

I lost my dad for the final time in 2007...my parents divorced when I was 5 years old and my brother was only 3. He got us every other weekend and some holidays and some days during the summer then one weekend he stopped coming to get us...I was age 10 at the time. So, from age 10 to age 16 I had no idea where he was or if he was alive or not, but at the age of 16 I decided to look for him. When I found him he and I got close through letters and phone calls but there was a lot of "empty" promises from age 16 until the middle of my senior year in high school...so, I told him if you want to see me then you need to come to Oklahoma to see me i am not stopping my life or gonna get my hopes up to come see you. Anyways, long story short, my mom was murdered in 1994 (my senior year in high school) and I called my dad hoping he would come through and come out here to help my brothers and me, but he was getting married 2 days after the funeral so he couldn't come.  I have never forgiven him for that, but I did get closer to him later on before he passed away.  The first time I saw him after the age of 10 was at the age of 20 when I got married, but I did not let him give me away at my wedding, I had my mom's finance give me away. I love my dad and I miss the good times we did have and that I can remember and I guess those are the feelings that really get to me sometimes.

Hi Kerry,

I've worked with many caregivers who regretted not saying or doing something for a loved one before they died. What helped many was the creation of a "goodbye-I"m sorry ritual" where all of those things the person would have wanted to say to a loved, are said, not privately, but in the presence of family and friends.

I know it sounds intimidating, but closure is never easy. Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

Hi Patricia,

I think anniversary death dates are difficult for everyone. One reason is that it brings up painful memories of what was lost. The second is that it focuses on what you would like to get away from (grief), rather than the psychological place you want to go (joy).

There's an analogy I think applies from the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh. He compared western psychotherapy with eastern philosophy. He didn't understand why where are are so many wonderful things in a person's life, why a therapist would focus on what's wrong with it. 

What I suggest is that instead of observing it as the anniversary of your's father's death, look at it as a day to celebrate all the wonderful things in his life and how he effected yours. You can revisit places of wonderful memories, have a dinner party with a plate set for him and have guests talk about the wonderful things he did, etc

Ritual, in any form celebrating life can be healing. I wrote an article on the use of ritual that might be helpful.

http://stangoldbergwriter.com/the-power-of-ritual/

Take Care,

Stan

You're very welcome Patricia,

Please call me Stan

Delete Comment

I went 'home' February 3, 2010 and sat for the next 3 Agonizing weeks at my Father's Hospice bedside 8 hours a day 'watching' him Suffer in Silent Agony, bringing him whatever I could to comfort him.

One evening, as my 'mother' sat like a stone statue in the corner of his hospice room while I showed my parents some photos of my 50th Birthday which I 'celebrated' in Hawaii for the first and last time with my then turning 78th Birthday celebrating Dad, my Father felt my Emotions rising, but didn't say anything until 15 minutes later as I kept myself and my Feelings 'contained'.

"What are all the 'tears' for John ?" he suddenly said in his still somewhat curt interrogative military trained style. "Because you're my Father, I Love you and I Don'T want to see you Die !" I managed to say before breaking down, sobbing and shaking upon his skeleton like form ravaged by only 3 months of being Diagnosed with Cancer, however he must have been suffering with it for much longer, as he had 'joked' about "gettin' senile" for 5 years before.

"Take it easy, pal", he replied, lightly patting my left 10 year old completely broken collar bone, comforting me as I was sobbing my heart and soul out upon his boney shoulder.

My Father was the Only one in our 'family' who reached out to me over the past 10 years of my unemployment and depression. He never judged, criticized or turned his back on others or me like my oFf & oN Nice & Nasty Critically Sarcastic Condescending Denial & Blame Based Epileptic 'Schizophrenic' (?) 'mother' who Expects and Demands Perfection, Ordering him around even on his Death Bed which she Refused to be near after kicking him out of his home after Christmas 2009, not even a month after he was Diagnosed with Cancer.

Her 'father' died on the same day I was born 7 years before when she was 14 and never got 'counselling'  as she's Never 'talked' about her 'home'. She didn't have a single tear in her frosty blue eyes before, during or after his funeral a year ago. I've been phoning her, but it always ends up with my hanging up whenever her Sharp Criticism and Insensitivity Suddenly Surfaces.

A half hour before my Dad died after Gasping like a fish out of water for six horrifying hours after slipping into a coma February 23, 2010 after he asked me to help him to the bathroom after I had just arrived from my Air Canada Co-pilot/Revenue Canada Tax Auditor 'brother's who kicked me out of his home for 'daring' to ask if I could even 'breathe' in his Controlled 'home', a snowshoe rabbit appeared outside his hospice window. It sat there for more than a half hour while my nephew Ryan and I were talking. I didn't realize it then, but this tiny creature appeared according to my Best and Only Friend to accompany my Father's Soul.

    Ironically, my Dad, who used to go hunting even when we moved to "Civy Street !" as my 'mother' Insisted we be raised & educated "The 'RIGHT' Way", had grown up in the bush completely impoverished during the 1930s. Neither of my parents had the 'freedom' to go beyond Gr.8, as they both had to start work full time to help support their families when they were 15 in the 1940s and 50s. As the last of 9 children, 3 of whom died in childbirth before his miracle arrival, he had had to learn to hunt and fish from a very young age in order to survive.

http://www.wilno.com

His grandfather Joseph and 10 others escaped Severe Poverty and Untold Abuses from the then Prussian German Empire which had along with Russia and Austria Destroyed Poland for 300 years. They sailed from Hamburg Germany in July 1868 for 3 weeks losing many to the long voyage to Quebec City and then had no choice but to bush whack a 100 mile long path from the last train station 'west' at Renfrew, Ontario to their homestead where they built the Hamlet of Wilno with their bare hands. My Cousins still build their own homes today, which is something most people couldn't even begin to think of how to draw on paper.

My dad's Family was and still is Very Close, completely the opposite from my 'mother's Mongolian Ukrainian Canadian 'family', which she now says "might have been Polish" after 53 years of Abusing and Putting Down my Father and his Family, whom she may have been Envious or Resentful of, as hers doesn't know the 'meaning' of the words 'caring', 'kind' or 'family'.

Thankyou Dad for Being a Sensitive, Caring, Generous & Kind Human Being. May we Aspire to Your Humanity and Learn Forgiveness where there has only been Animosity and No 'listening' let alone 'talk' between the rest of our 'family'. Please Pray that we may learn to love as you did. Your words seldom were spoken, but your Actions always spoke and shone Brighter than any ever could.

Hi Carolyn,

I think you touched on a feeling everyone has. Often as bad as we think life will be after someone has died, it often is worse. The difference between what we may expect and what becomes real often is gigantic. Wife of a patient I served cared for her husband for five years. She always knew that she would be a widow. But the anticipation of it couldn't compare with the day after she died and felt what it was like to be a widow. Eventually, she started exploring what it was about their life together that she missed.  I hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

hey this is a good site to vent and share feelings. I have used it quite a bit. It feels good to know people out there understand what you are going through. I miss my dad too! I lost him March 4, 2009. It still hard at times too. I will wait to see your reply or post.

I lost my dad unexpectedly on May 2nd due to cardiac arrest.  My mom found him lying on the floor of their bedroom.  My family (mom, brother, and husband) are in so much pain right now. I worry mostly about my mom and how she is coping.  It is a slow, painful process.  I will forever be haunted by the image of my dad's body lying on the hospital table.  Did not even look like him.  I had seen him just 24 hours prior, and he was fine; we were joking around and having a good time.  No one saw this coming.  I am still somewhat in a state of shock and disbelief.

My Dad had been anemic for a few years but we thought it was due to his only having one kidney.  Kidney dr treated him for awhile until his blood counts took a severe nose dive.  At that time he refered him to oncologist/hemotologist.  We found out he had mylelodysplasia.  a type of bone marrow cancer.  Dad was 80 at the time and opted for no chemo.  We all agreed. 

4 weeks before he passed the dr stopped his transfusions because they weren't working anymore.  time to prepare.  what a saying right?  well I did morn him for the last year.  Anyway  he was growing weaker and we knew his time was growing very short.  I went over to see him at 1:45 on May 3rd.  walked in the door and he was talking and laughing.  he had his wife take him to potty.  all of a sudden he could not hold his head up and having trouble breathing.  she called me into the bathroom to hold his head up.  He was kind of out of it and I got him up.  I told him to put his arms around me and we stepped backwards 2 steps and started to turn around when his one arm fell off my shoulders.  at that moment I felt his body relax. he died standing up in my arms.  a day I will never forget.  I was there just over an hour when it happened.