Amen, Avi.

Wonderful Avi!!!  

Its been 5 years and here I am back on the site. Surviving and functioning but just about. 

Danny. I hear you.  December will be 4 years 

Hi Danny. 
Surviving is art which we all need to practice. Today I met a friend whose father is witnessing the similar illness as my mother i.e. late stage cancer. He is also going through the same emotional turmoil as I went in 2018. After this discussion I remembered all the moments during my mother's treatment and whole day I was not feeling well. I need to survive and have learnt to live with this guilt. 

That's it exactly, Sue. I work a lot. She knows when I am getting ready to leave, and when I put her in her crate, she has the most defeated look on her face. It's kills me. There is no way that she can understand. I don't think I can have another dog after I lose this one. It's too much.

Sometimes, when I come home at night, she will not hear me coming through the door. I will see her, head thrown back, baying like a coyote. I will joke with her, "Was it really that bad?" It's not a funny joke though. It's all just very sad. Way too much guilt.

Yeah, that's the hard part. Not long ago my little dog had her sister and my mom. She was never alone. Now, there is just too much waiting in her life. Waiting for her human to wake up, and waiting for her human to come home. It's a shame. She's 13 years old I wish that I could just baby her every day for the rest of her life. Life just won't allow for that. It's a hard reality of life. You can't hide from it. Unless you are rich, you can't just stay at home. Life will come for you, regardless of what you want.

We're on the same train, Sue.

If you can find out what she gives her dog, please let me know.

Thank you, Sue.

Thanks, Sue. I will look into this.

Hi All, 

Today I suddenly had grief all over the day. I miss my mother a lot and it seems that there is no end to this grief. Hope I meet her someday when I leave this world. 

Just wanted to share my feelings here because people around me will not understand. 

Hi Avi...grief comes in waves. When, how or what triggers it...we don't know. Come 15 Sept, it would be 18 months since my mother left me. When my father left me almost 18 years ago, he took a quarter of my energy level with him. When my mother left, she took half of my energy level with her. What's remaining is just a quarter which I spent crying. I don't feel like getting up in the morning, doing the morning chores, go to work, cook, eat or even do household chores. But because I am still alive, I force myself to do things...just going through the motions. I have estranged myself from my siblings, colleagues and even friends. They will never understand. I don't expect them to either. I have to deal with the guilt, regrets, grief and depression...smiling depression all by myself. I have no interest in living and waiting for the day when my mother calls me. I like what Brett said in one of his posts 'soul sick'. That's what I am too. Your daughter...she is your blessing. Take care!

Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay your life and ask yourself where your joy lies. Let that little baby keep you going. No one can fill the void of the love you lost better than her.

SelV, I understand and appreciate all of that.

Towards the end of August, I dreamt about my parents. I had many pleasant dreams about my mother since April. Never dreamt of my father so that was the first. My parents were getting married...either celebrating their 60th or 75th wedding anniversary. It was a very happy occasion. My parents were all decked up and smiling away on the dais. I could clearly see my mother grinning and showing off her pearly whites and all. If my parents were alive till today, they would have celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary in July. I hope my mother or both my parents come in my dreams regularly...well at least I see them alive there...my daylights are a living nightmare!

Hi All

Hope you all are doing great. I felt really discomfort yesterday, not sure why. I remembered my mother and talked to her, felt better. Sometimes I feel she is around. 

Hi, Avi. I hope that we are all doing great as well. That's a lot to hope for. When I first lost my mom, the idea of doing great seemed impossible, and it still seems like it is an incredibly hard task. I think of what we are experiencing now is our "new normal." I can't speak for everyone here, but no matter what good happens in our lives, we will always feel a tremendous void. That is the natural course of life though. No one ever hid the reality that as we got older, folks that we loved would die. We always knew, but maybe we thought that would always be tomorrow, not today. Our today came.

I had a very bad dream about my mom. She was on the other side of my bedroom door. She was calling for help. I couldn't get up. In my case, it's my own anxiety that causes these dreams. You can't hide from what is truly inside of you. Even in sleep. Grief forces you to deal with it. It will not be ignored.

It is so great that you feel that your mom is near. Use that. Talk to her. Tell her that you love her and miss her. And take comfort in the knowledge that she hears you.

How are you all doing? 

I had bad last 2 days. Felt lot of guilt and cried. There were some moments which made me remember my mother. 

Also I hear comforting words by a lady that people who have gone from this world can still feel your emotions. So if you cry a lot, they will also be disheartened but they cannot do anything. It is like you have gone to another country, your mother calls you and says that she is unwell but you cannot come immediately. You will be disturbed so consider the soul who cannot do anything seeing their loved ones cry. 

This made me rethink my emotions. 

Have a nice day all. 

Avi, I don't know if we can rethink our emotions that way. Our emotions are what they are, although reason can help us form our emotions and hopefully change them for the better. I don't know if my mom can hear me or not. I certainly don't want her to be sad. What is powerful for me is knowing that my mom would want me to pull myself out of this and live my life. That gives me inspiration to try. Maybe it will get better one day. I'll keep taking baby steps.

Hi everyone, My name is Katherine. 

I am learning how to deal with the loss of my mom, she passed away two months ago.My mom was never my best friend, but she was so much more. She made me the person that I am today and living without her has been very hard.

I'm hoping to find advice or at least someone who understands my situation.

Thanks

Hi Katherine, 

Everybody on this group will understand your pain and there are no concrete steps that you can take to relax your grief. Take small steps and you will be able to find a way forward. Your mother will always want you to be happy and live a healthy life. 
Please feel free to post your feelings. 

Hi, my name is Brenda. I lost my mom to brain cancer 36 days ago, the pain and grief are uncontrollable.  I took care of her for 10 months everyday, and feel so lucky and honored to have been able to do it! She has always been my everything, I don't know how I get up in the mornings and function, I walk around the world and exist in a fog.  I would do anything for my mom and only hope that she was, has been, and is proud of me.  I am so proud and honored to be her daughter!  I love you mom and am looking for some understanding, compassion, support,  and hope from others.

Bless you all and praying for strength and comfort today.

Brenda, so sorry for what you’re going through. I really relate...my mother died in the autumn of 2018 and like you I was honoured to have the chance to help her in what turned out to be her last five years, when she had many health challenges.  She was always so brave, and so very kind and supportive to me.  After my husband died it was her love that sustained me and made it worthwhile for me to live.  The closeness of our relationship and especially the intimacy of those last years have made it very sad and disorienting to be without her, maybe that is true for you as well? but at the same time I hope you’ll find some comfort in the fact that you and your mother had such a deeply loving relationship, and that you were there for her when she needed you.  

Brenda, I have been told my story many times here. I was also my mom's caretaker, and she was the center of my world as well. In fact, four years after her death, I would say that she still is. I certainly understand.

I hope you will continue to post here. We can't help you if you do not. You found a group of people who love their moms and miss them with all of our hearts. I hope that you will let us help.

Thank you for the kind words, M Adams, Brett, and Theresa.  Today is a hard day, I miss my mom Barbara so much!  Everyday I seem to mourn something else, her wit, her friendship, her unconditional love.  I feel like I have lost everything.  Finding ways to cope everyday feels like a horrible ride I want to get off.  Thank you, this is a small step that is helping me.

Brenda, there are a myriad of small steps. I call them baby steps, because when we lose our moms, we are like toddlers again. I lost my mom on Christmas eve. The next morning the tears really flowed, and I remember, as I was crying, I kept saying, "Mommy!!" I needed my mommy. There I was, a full grown man calling for his mommy. I'm not ashamed of that though. There is still a little boy in me, and my mom taught me how to walk and to talk. She provided my security. And maybe I didn't know at the time she died, but she still did. After she died the world just seemed like a much colder place. It still seems that way. My mom was the person who worried about me each day, who worried that I had good food to eat, or that my car was going to break down. It's hard to lose that. What a mother gives is pure love. There is nothing better. Well, it's half gone. I still love her every bit as much, but she is no longer here to reciprocate. I can say, "I love you mom," but I can't hear her say it in return. And that really hurts. It hurts too much.

Please feel free to talk to us. None of us have a magic formula that will make you feel better, but we sure understand. We all have a similar story, and we are all here for the same reason. We love and miss our moms.

Brett I can relate to so much of what you write.  My mom passed December 30th, 2019, so the rawness is still so vivid. I yearn for her like I am a little girl so much, even though I am an adult.  My mom was and is my everything, we have always been there for each other.  I still talk to her everyday, look at her photos, and journal.  My life is so empty and cold, it's just a dark place without her, she was my light.  At times I feel so lost and out of control, but for my mom, because that's what she would want, I take a step, I do what needs to be done at the moment with tears, sadness, and pain.  It feels good to be part of this group, to talk to people who miss their mom everyday!  

Brenda, you found the key. Because we love our mom so much, we try our hardest to honor them by taking baby steps. As much as my mom suffered in her last days, it would have been so much worse for her if she had thought that I wouldn't have been able to survive without her. She would have fought and clawed to stay alive, but that would not have been possible. Her body was shutting down. I like to believe that my mom died in peace because she had enough faith in me to believe that I would be okay.

What Theresa wrote is so true. Our moms were human, too. If I had been the one that died, my mom would have been the one who is suffering now. We were our mom's caretakers. We lessened their load as best we could. We have to continue to do that by trying to be happy. If we can't do that for ourselves, we should at least try for our moms. That is what I have been doing for the last four years. I'm trying. I can't say I'm winning, but I am trying.

It does help to connect to people on this site.  It helps to have others who have had a connection with their mother similar to mine.  I appreciate everyone's stories and responses.  I know my new "normal" was something I never asked for, but it is my reality.  I miss you everyday mom and my love for you is so strong!  I am really missing my mom's voice these last couple of days, she always knew just what to say and how to say it to me. Such a whole in my heart and life.

Missing mom every day.  What she would say to me for advice, lifting me up when I am down, listening when no one else does.  Mom's are some of the greatest people out there and my mom was sure one of the best!  Getting through the day seems impossible and I am just crashing at the end of my work day, just trying to get through the sadness and grief only to do it again tomorrow.  I don't feel like I will ever be happy anymore.....

Brenda.  I miss her every day I leaned on my mother 100% she was my whole world and my everything I understand completely where you’re coming from it’s very hard. May I ask I didn’t read your story if you could tell me what happened and how old your mom was only if you want to. 

Brenda, I hope that you will continue to post. We are here if you ever need a friend or an understanding ear. Lord knows, we know grief, and we understand. Like Theresa, I would love to know more about your relationship with your mom, and sometimes it helps to tell that story. Many of us have been posting for a long, long time, and we know each other's stories inside and out. It means a lot to me that these guys know my story. Theresa and I lost our moms the same week. My grief journey almost mirrors hers. Our stories are very different, but she and I have traveled a long road together, because we have one thing in common. Our mothers were the center of our world, and we loved them with all of our hearts. 

Brenda, I feel the same way about my mom we were very very close, she had me at 42 years old, my brother is 17 years older than me.

She was my everything, I still cry, I miss her so much, I just really have no one to lean on like her.

You were very fortunate you were there with your mom at her last breath, I was not, my mom was home at 7am and that was the last time I talked to her, she wasn't feeling well, for a couple of days her stomach she said, but she still met her friends like usual, that was on Friday 12/18, I spoke with her on Saturday morning she called the dr and was going to the hospital, she said dr wanted her to call ambulance, she had no distress in her voice whatsoever, I left my residence right away and was pulling in the hospital lot, when I got a call from an unknown number, the nurse from the ER stating your mom is in full cardiac arrest, do you want us to perform CPR, I was like yes my gosh, I thought let me just jump out of the car and run through the doors, someone grabbed me and tried to sit in a room with me while they worked on my mom, and I thought, oh no I'm going to my mom, I got up and ran out, I found her with them doing chest compressions, and the dr asking me all sorts of questions, its all a blur, he last words to me were do you want me to continue doing this to your mom, I said I she breathing he said no, I said no, I just looked at my mom with the tube coming out of her mouth, all 5 feet 100 lbs of her, I was frozen couldn't move, I had to go outside and call my brother who lives 5 hours away, he came right away, I was not there when she took her last breath, I live with that every day, even though I know my mom went to church every day and prayed please don't let my daughter have to take care of me.  It was God's will.  Everyone left me standing there with the exception of one nurse, who said something to me, she said I just want to let you know I was talking to your mom and I turned around and her eyes rolled back, it was very peaceful.  I thought well thank you dear God her suffering was minimal I hope.   So please know it still hurts everyday.  Talking to people on this site definitely helped me, as Brett said we both lost our moms in the same time frame.

Sadly, my dad passed on December 14, my mom on December 19, my grandmother on December 24th, different years, but December is a month I can do without.

Theresa my heart cries knowing everyone's stories, but this is a place of comfort for me also.  It seems as though this first year of every holiday or special event is crushing me, losing her 12/30, her birthday January, my birthday coming up, it's just so much.  The pain of complete sadness is horrible.  Everyone tells you make a wish, my wish could never come true today, but I do have hope to be united with my mom, that hope keeps me going. My mom was 69 years young and we had so many plans of things to do and see together.  My desire to do things is empty, trying to take one step at a time, which ends up becoming to emotional at times.  Trying to honor my mother by being a good person in the world, although very difficult without your #1 fan/cheerleader. Love you every minute of everyday mom!

Brenda, my mom died at home. She was on Hospice care. I was with her when she took her last breath. What hurt me the most was that my mom had become so detached. That wasn't her fault. She was just too sick to have emotion. I told her that I loved her a million times, but she knew she was about to leave.

My mom died by the light of a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and like Theresa, I could do without the whole month of December. Hearing a Christmas Carol can reduce me to a puddle. My mom was my world. We were always so close, but the last few years when I was her caretaker brought us so much closer. There is not a morning that I wake up and do not remember, "Oh, yeah. Mom died." What a way to start the day.

So, we know what it's like to lose a mom. You are in good company. I always understand when Theresa says that she has no one to lean on. I mean, I have friends, but nothing can replace what we have lost. At least, here people understand.

Brenda, I just read your story. Mine is very similar. No matter how sick mom became (she had five forms of cancer, COPD, and congestive heart failure), I still wanted to be the one who took care of her. Mom wanted to die at home, and I was going to make that happen no matter what. We had a long journey. It lasted 12 years. I knew that day would come when it would end, but I always held out hope that the doctors would pull her through one more time. It was akin to being in a little boat that springs a leak. I would plug one leak and then several more would appear. I was shocked when my mom's ER doctor told me that it was time for Hospice. I realized that t here would be no more miracles. I remember going into my mom's hospital room. A Hospice doctor was already there. Mom didn't understand what was happening. I asked the doctor to leave the room and let me tell her. I told my mom that she was going to die. It about killed me.

Even on mom's first night on Hospice care, mom asked me what the recovery plan was. I said, "Mom... there isn't one." Again... it about killed me. I loved on her with all of my might until the day came. I hated to give my mom morphine but it really made thing easier for her. Every time I would give her a shot I would  think, "I'm killing my mom." I have a lot of guilt as well. I don't know a person could experience what we have and not feel guilt, deserved or not.

I wish I had apologized for every bad thing I ever did, tough I know my mom would have just rolled her eyes. Yes, I have guilt, but love trumps that.   

It's good to hear others stories here, you get how hard things were and still are.  They tell me in my grief group that tears and sadness are because you loved so much, I believe that, but it scares me at the same time.  Going through my mom's journey side by side with her has made me fearful of loving someone else.  I don't think my heart can take it, I feel broken and unfixable.  I wake up at night in horrible sweat and tears.  It helps to have people here, I have pushed friends out of the picture because they just don't understand at all.  Here everyone gets it and allows me to talk about my grief without making me feel bad about it, thank you for that!  Hopeful my mom is missing me as much as I miss her!  

Valentine's day, the day to tell others you love them and care for them, I would give anything to be able to tell my mom how much I love and care for her!  Missing you, loving you, today and everyday day mom!  

Me too :(

I am having such a difficult time getting up and getting through the day without being a total puddle on the floor.  I am feeling anxious all the time and missing my mom so much.  I am just so sad all the time.  I feel no joy anymore.  

Brenda.   I am terribly anxious every day.  I try to have faith in God to get me through whatever I am dealing with.  
I have a dog who is goi g to be 13 in April and all I do is worry about him. My last dog I had my mom to lean on and help me with my feelings.  Now I’m lost anxious and it’s a bad way to live.  People tell me go to the dr get something but I need to face it not mask it.  

Theresa, I agree with you, I don't want to rely on a Dr or medication.  I want to face the grief head on, I am jist suffering so much with emotions coming at me in all directions, I am struggling to deal and how to deal, my faith is strong, I am just all over the place emotionally.  People in my life don't understand, they have their mom's to go too, I don't, it's painful on so many levels. Thank you for your words of hope and understanding.

Brenda. I know exactly how you feel.  This is how time changed things for me, as time went the thoughts seem to have become more acceptable but missing her still remains. And I cry.  Probably to much   

Brenda, so much of what you said is so familiar with me. I haven't been able to take a nap since my mom died four years ago. Once, while my mom was still alive and on Hospice, I laid down for a second. I fell asleep and I was having a sweet dream about my mom. She was healthy and we were having lunch in our sun room. Suddenly I woke up in a panic. My mom was calling for me. I felt so guilty about falling asleep. Whenever I try to take a nap now I will almost immediately have a bad dream that my mom is calling for me and I can't get to her.

I woke up last night drenched in sweat. I couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know what I was dreaming about, but I can guess.

I don't want to give my heart to anyone either. I have my mom's dog and I love her with all my heart. She is the same age as Theresa's dog. I thought I was going to lose her last week. The vet hospital pulled her through. It can't go on forever though. She has so many health issues. I'm going to lose her one day. I have already lost her sister. Mom had two dogs. Losing her tore my heart out. I won't get another dog. I can't go through this again. My dog is all that I have left of my mom.

I gave up a long time ago on having friends that understand. They were good for about a month, but now they think I should just get over it. I would if I could but I can't. Outside of this site, I just keep this stuff to myself.

There is nothing in the world wrong with getting professional help. Our grief is so strong that it can turn into full blown depression. I have a grief counselor. She is a doctor and prescribes me medicine for sleep. When mom was sick I was sleeping with one eye open because mom frequently needed me at night. Now that she is gone I can't turn that off. I went days without sleeping before I sought help. I am a Nutritionist and I could not fix this problem with diet and supplements.

We're not crazy. We just have broken hearts. 

I completely get it Brett, I do worry that I will go into depression.  I don't enjoy going out anywhere any more.  Really I just go to work, church, cemetery to visit with mom.  I have two girlfriends I occasionally go and take a walk with, text most others who are still around in my life, but most have distanced themselves because they ask me how I am and I truthfully answer, not good most moments, my life has forever changed and I didn't ask for it, so I am sad and mad!  My faith is strong, but I question things.  Trying to sleep is the hardest time, just because for 10 months I woke up for every noise to check on mom, I slept in a bed next to her holding her hand.  Continuously my broken heart breaks into smaller pieces daily.  I am sorry to hear about yours and Theresa's dogs, I can't imagine the worry and sadness you are both feeling for your dogs.  Thank you for expressing and sharing yourself, it helps me!  

Welcome Kimberly, I am glad you found us!  So many have and continue to be on the same journey as yourself.  Reach out at anytime.  I am fairly new myself and this place has become a light for me. I feel understood, accepted, and heard, which provides me hope everyday, especially my darkest and saddest.  Your picture of your mom, she is beautiful!! Blessings.

Brett yes as horrible as it is for us both our dogs have aged almost 5 years since our moms died I’m having a really hard time with it I’m thinking that I might need counseling my boy is going to be 13 he still gets around but I know he’s on borrowed time

I'm having a lot of trouble getting Krissy to eat. She has diabetes and she has a very limited diet as it is. She can only eat prescription dog food. I switched to the wet version and she was eating up, and now it's the same as before. My vet is monitoring her weight and when she loses a certain amount he wants to put her down. Eating is everything, and I can't give insulin or her thyroid medicine if she will not eat. I have literally begged her to eat. She won't open her mouth. It's heart breaking.