I also see her in dreams sometimes but when I wake up I hardly remember anything. Initially I was not able to sleep and used to wake up in nights but then life got busy in other things and I started sleeping properly. 

Everybody of us hope to meet her someday, somewhere. Lets keep this hope alive and live. 

I wish I can ever meet few people of this group and cry together. 

Hi All, 

Hope everybody doing good. My daughter is growing up and keeps me busy but any day I sit and feel guilty of not serving my mother, I feel like crying. She should have enjoyed so much with her grand daughter but destiny had some other plans. 

The journey is tough but need to complete it to meet her again. This is a hope and a motivation to live. 

Avi, I am glad for you. You have somebody-your flesh and blood-to live for...you seem to have made that your motivation. Good for you!

It is 15 July and 16 months since my mother left me for good. Nothing but a tearful day for me. Not only crying outside but also inside. So much pain. I am just a sad person...even when I appear happy, it is smiling depression. 

I would rather cry on the outside than on the inside. Crying on the outside is a release. I am really tired of being sad. I'm also tired of being scared. Life without my mom still seems like a scary proposition. All we can do is to continue to put one foot in front of the other, and hope that better days are ahead. We all need hope.

Avi, it's wonderful that you have someone to concentrate all of your love on.

There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket.

While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with us, even when we are not aware. It was a traumatic event. Even if we wanted to forget, we would not be able to. The loss is ingrained in us. While it will not go away, we can ease our minds by realizing that we are safe. That is a hard thing to do. It's not something that you can just tell yourself, or something that someone else can tell you. You have to feel it and believe it. That's our challenge. We have to keep trying.

The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. 

Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without needing to frantically hold on to it.

Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.  My husband died on this date three years ago and my mother has been dead ten months, they were very close and they are both in my mind today.

Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an arrogant thing to say, but I would wager that the death of their moms was not as traumatic as mine. That doesn't mean that I loved my mom more. It just means that the circumstances of my life dictated a very long, hard grief, plus a ton of anxiety, and probably clinical depression, too. My mom was the center of my world. That's on me. I never moved on, got married, had kids, etc. I had a career and my mom. I made a choice. I should have known that I was setting myself up for a fall because my mom was in all likelihood going to die long before I would. I knew that but it always seemed so far into the future. Time ran out.

Like you, I can't express the magnitude of loss.

M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away.

Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone.

I feel like the hard reality of this, for all of us, is the finality of it all. We realize that our moms are not coming back, and that if we live to be 100, it will be without our moms. That is a very hard reality to deal with.

Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time on this earth is over, just like my mom. And I know that there is only one way that I can be with my mom again, and that is to live my life to its natural conclusion. That means that one day I'm going to die, too. That's kind of a cold slap in the face. I mean, we have always known that we were going to die one day, but that reality becomes a lot more clear and real when the people that we love most start to disappear. I have to get past the fact that I want what I can't have. I want my mom back, right here next to me. It just doesn't work that way.

Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to.

As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called home.

Some days are painful, I find that most days I'm not happy, but I pray for God to give me strength.

Sue  I know exactly how you feel I still cry three years later it just hits me so hard some days I just try to keep going 1 foot in front of the other I’m getting ready to leave for church letting you know I’m thinking about you and everyone on here 

Thank you Sue. I will remember you also 

Yeah, I am having a problem as well. All of a sudden my dog has started to cry from the time I leave to work until the time I come home. She sounds like a coyote. She bays. My neighbors have been telling me about it. I live in an apartment. This can't go on forever. Life is hard enough right now without having the fear of losing my dog. I wouldn't get rid of her. I would never do that, but if I just go to another apartment the same thing will happen. I don't know what to do. The little dog doesn't realize that, if she really misses me that much, this is the worst possible move. Not only that. I hate the idea of her being so sad. I am going to take her to the vet next week. Maybe  they can help. There is just so much guilt for me. I used to feel so bad when I had to leave my mom to go to work. Mom needed me at home before I became her full time caretaker. Now, I just walk out the door and all I hear is crying. It's heartbreaking. 

Sue, I am with you today.

She's 13. Today I took her for a real long walk before I left. She wasn't crying when I came home tonight. That doesn't mean she didn't cry. I don't know. Walking her that far seems like a good idea but she is really old and it may be too much for her. She sort of gave out three quarters of the way through. It's really hot here.

I had a real scare tonight. It has been raining really hard here. On my way home tonight, the police had every main road blocked off because of flooding. I had to try several different ways to get home. Mostly I was just worried about not being able to get to her. She has to have insulin twice a day. The idea of losing her is too much. I know it has to happen some day. It would be hard enough, even if my mom were still alive, but it will be so much worse without my mom. This dog is about that last piece of my mom that I have left. I can close my eyes and still hear my mom baby talking her.

It is always something, Theresa. And unfortunately, it seems like the most sacred things in my life are the things that are most vulnerable. I'm tired. I have been soul sick for the last three and a half years.  

Thank you, Sue.

I wouldn't feel to bad about that Theresa. I have silently said goodbye to a lot of friends. People are insulated. As long as things are going fine in their world, whatever happens to you just isn't that big of a deal. It's eye opening. A couple of months ago when I was going through all of that mess, I became bitter. I remember calling my aunt to tell her what had happened. Within 20 seconds she was telling me about her daughters vacation to Sedona. It just didn't register with her. When my dog started to have so many physical issues, there were people who said to me, "Why don't you just put her down?" It's sickening. There is a big family gathering today in my hometown. I'm not going. None of those folks were there for me. They disappeared when my mom died. I don't hate them, or even dislike most of them, but they weren't there for me. I wish them well, but I wish them well from over here.

I've seen too much. I have felt too much. I will gladly do anything I can for a stranger, but the facts are, too many people from my past weren't there for me. I could be homeless and  they may say, "Poor Brett." But they wouldn't do anything about it. They would just go on living their insulated lives.

Have I become bitter? Maybe, but it is so important to be honest with yourself and acknowledge what you feel.

Forgiving is one thing. I would like to forgive everyone. I think I can in time, but that doesn't mean that those people need a place in my life. Sometimes you are better staying away from certain people, even if those people are family members.

And for friends who were not there when we needed them most, I just realize that is who they are. I think that we assume that we are very close to some people, but then when the chips are down, the reality of our distance becomes apparent. We never were as close as we thought.

So true Brett and Sue, people have no idea what we have went through until it happens to them.

Brett, I have become bitter, I have so much anger inside, and no tolerance for people at all.

Sometimes I think about quitting my job and looking for another one, that I can be away from people.  Its ashame.....

Sue, what you say about your mom is so touching and true, it brings tears to my eyes.

”She always told me to be careful when I went to work that she needed me.  I always knew she was there for me & cared. ”

My mother and my husband were both like that for me, caring and worrying about my safety and happiness. Of course I took care of them as well, but it wasn’t an exchange, it was love.  Not having the people who truly care, going on alone after they die, makes life so bleak... tough to keep motivated to take care of oneself, all the endless tasks, big and small, and all the fear, without the loving concern of someone in the world who puts you first, sees you as special and uniquely important, not just as a useful bundle of functions.  I know I was lucky to have experienced that kind of  love — it’s a very different, much colder world now. Important to go on and to have gratitude, I think, but it’s also very hard.

That's the hard part. When I started my new job in February I had to list an emergency contact. I don't really have one now.

Friday night we had a lot of flooding on our area. I didn't realize how bad it was until I tried to drive home from work. Every route that I tried was blocked by the police. I had to wait in the parking lot of a grocery store until one of the roads opened. It just occurred to me that there was no one for me to call to say that I would be home late, and no one really cared if I had to spend the night in a parking lot. Well, my dog cares. She would have been howling until I got home. It's just not the same thing. No one to coordinate with. I have friends but not family.

Hi Brett, 

I feel what you experienced. I have a family as well but still I feel void sometimes. 

I was very happy yesterday as I saw my mother in dreams. She was talking to me on some topic and I was really happy to have conversation with her in dreams but till night I was again feeling the void and hope my mother would have been alive. 

My angel is turning 1 on Saturday and she is my ray of hope to drive me through this dark tunnel. 

Theresa, other people will never understand your grief as they feel that you are overreacting. 

Any one who wanna talk please feel free to add me on skype at live:avitiwari26

Thanks

Avi, what you just wrote to Theresa is so true. People will allow you a short time for grief. If it goes on pass that time they will think you are over dramatic, or that you have mental problems. 

I wish your little girl a wonderful birthday. What a blessing she is for you.

Avi, so glad you had a good dream of speaking with your mother, that is always something to cherish.  What are the birthday plans for your little girl?  

M adams, mam small party for the relatives. her bday is on 10th Aug. My mother dies on 15 May 18 and she was born on 10 Aug 18. She is a motivating factor for my father to live and light at the end of tunnel for me. 

Everyone needs a light at the end of the tunnel.

 I am just sitting here reading what everyone has written and it’s just peaceful to know that we all feel the same 

 I only could wish that I could have a dream of my mom I have no dreams 

Avi hope your daughters birthday makes wonderful  memories

yes Brett a light at the end of the tunnel would be great 

Some days I’m just so tired 

It’s terrible.   Thank you for letting me know you feel the same

I often times pray that I will have a dream about my mom. Hasn't happened yet. Not a good dream anyway. I've had some bad ones. Dreams often reflect what you are feeling. I have so much anxiety in regards to my mom that it only makes sense that my dreams would be bad.

I haven't been able to take a nap since my mom died. I know why. Before my mom went on Hospice care we had good days and bad. One day all seemed well. I decided to lay down for a few minutes. I was having a really good dream that my mom was healthy again and we were having lunch. I could hear someone calling my name. That woke me up. It was my mom. She couldn't get up. She was calling me for help. I don't want this to sound like I blame my mom, but that day, my mom invaded my dreams. My reality invaded a few minutes of peace.

Now, when I try to take a nap, something will jar me before I can fall asleep. It's fight or flight. I can't avoid it.

I will say this though. As messed up as my life may be today, my mom was worth it.

I love you mom. 

Yes Brett I suffer with anxiety, I worry constantly.

I think my dr is tired of hearing me, he prescribed some SSRI, but I am afraid to take it, go figure.

You brought tears to my eyes, I miss my mom and love her so much, sometimes I just shut my eyes and try to remember her face, always smiling, always happy.

Yep. It's like we had the same mom. In a way we did. They both loved their children the same.

Mothers are the biggest asset and it is so unfortunate that we have to lose them someday. 

Sue My mom was the same way I never realized how many peoples lives she touched until she was gone  all the way down to the guy at the 7-Eleven the guy at the Acme everywhere in her hometown she was kind compassionate caring she always calmed me down because I’m a big worrywart I have no one now that understands anyway except for everyone on here believe me I’m right there with you I don’t care if it’s been one day one year two years three years I still feel the same.    Is it as strong the pain and the sadness I would say you come to terms with the “new normal” but I still cry I miss her so much so much I keep saying I know one day I’ll see you again mom I know you’ll be waiting for me  when my time comes.  Sometimes I just can’t put into words how I feel I have to say the first year I can’t remember I was in such a fog I don’t know how I functioned.   This December will be four years everybody else has gone on  and if I mention my mom they say that was years ago and I say you still have your mother you have no idea     My mom and I had a special relationship she had me when she was 42 and we were very very close or used to call her probably 10 times a day to make sure she was OK just to hear her voice  and make sure that she was OK wherever she was home out if she was out I would say call me when you get home 

Sue, I went through grief counseling and I cleaned out the books on grief at my local library. None of it helped. I'm not knocking it. Those classes and books help a lot of people. Didn't help me though.

I will tell you what especially didn't help. My brother calling me the day after my mom died (Christmas Day) and asking me which was the biggest television in the house. He reduced my mom to a television. My sister, who was angry that mom didn't choose her as her caretaker, who would call me every day and tell me all the ways that I had let mom down in my lifetime. Or my other brother who just saw mom as a bank account and never knew what a wonderful woman she was.

It didn't help that my friends gave me about a month to grieve and then acted like I had mental problems because I was no longer the life of the party. There was my minister who I had made an appointment with, who just kept looking at the clock over my head while I was talking.

It was not having a support system that broke me down. I still do not.

Theresa, I swear (I try not to swear), you and I are like brother and sister. I understand everything that you say. Less than a week separates our mother's death. We are the same age, and we mostly have the same issues. I really believe that if you live close by that we would be best friends. You are dear to me.

All of you are dear to me. If I ever figure this out, you will be the first people that I tell.

Brett  I agree with you 100% the same exact thing occurred with me my friends my family for goodness sake half of my mothers family never even acknowledged her passing 

 I feel a special connection with you something has brought us to befriend each other  i’m so glad that somebody else understands how I feel anyway it’s nice to have everyone to talk to on here feels like we’re all friends but we’re so far away

 Sometimes we think why does no one else seem to understand how I feel or they’ll say to me your mother had a good life I said how do you know what kind a life my mother had I said my mom was here through the depression my mother some days didn’t have food to put on the table of course I was not born yet my brother was he told me that grandma knew how to make a lot of meals with potatoes 

 I’m so fortunate that I had my mom during the time that I did and  I was fortunate enough to have a kind and loving caring mom who I miss with every breath 

Sue I went to a grief support group at my church do you know what one guy said to me and he was a surgeon when I was telling my moms story he said well what did you want she was 92 how about that I never went back

 He acted like I shouldn’t be grieving he’s there because his 26-year-old daughter died from appendicitis or pancreatitis or something I was in shock how rude he was 

One of the issues that I have with almost any kind of counselor is that they are being paid. They are not emotionally invested. I guess if you find the right one you can still get some great advice, but there is something discouraging about having to pay someone to listen to you.

The grief class that I attended was through the church as well. We would meet for one hour a week and the person who ran the class would rush us through it so that it wouldn't go over an hour. Not everyone got to talk. We would go from one topic to the next too quickly. And I did realize that all of us could offer advice to the others without filter. It only takes one person who thinks his brand of pain is worse than yours to ruin a class.

All of this is why I think a real support system is so important. It would be great if the person who is there for you also loves you dearly.

We lost more than half of our class. Sometimes what a person needs is specific, and one size does not fit all. The homework just made me miserable. The first week we had to write a letter to our loved one and tell them what we miss about them. The next week we were to set a plate at the dinner table for our loved one. I don't see how any of that would help. It sure didn't help me. It just made things worse. I guess the point is to help you face what you are feeling. I needed no help there. I can understand why some therapists may not like those classes. The person who volunteers to lead the class may not be qualified to take on such a heavy subject.

The counselor I saw was no better. She would push daily affirmations. I can tell myself that I like myself all day long. That doesn't make me miss my mom any less.

What I need is to replace the love that I no longer have. That's hard to find. The day after my mom died, my girlfriend at the time, told me not to talk to my mom out loud because mom was probably in purgatory. That was a horrible thing to say. The problem is that you can't just manufacture love. You just can't pick a random person. It has to be real.

I sure do not get it from my remaining family. A couple of days after my mom died, my sister actually asked me if mom and I had ever had sex. I hung up on her. That's my family.

Theresa, sitting in adoration is wonderful. It's easy to lose faith when life is kicking you in the gut. You are keeping a light burning.

Brett. Like I said it my one hour of peace

than you Brett 

Hi All, 

Friends, my daughter's first bday celebration went great. She is now 1 year old and motivating force for my dad to live. My dad is able to laugh and enjoy life because of his grand daughter. Even I feel motivated to live so that I can see her grow. 

I feel gratitude to the almighty for giving me this angel. 

That's wonderful, Avi. Congratulations. And I wish you another 100 years with her.

Avi, that is so lovely to hear — best wishes to her and your family!

Thanks all. This group is my extended family.